Learning to Love After Abuse
Dear Dr. Patti:
I'm a survivor of incest. I have never really had sexual desire or passion for my husband, but do love him very much. Recently I found myself feeling very turned on around this man 20 years older than me. My marriage has been on the rocks, and this other man just seemed to fill that void I was missing in my marriage. I have not had sex with this man but have often fantasized about him. Do you think I can ever have those desires for my husband of 10 years?
G
Dear G,
Recovering from incest takes time, courage, patience, caring support and dedicated inner work. I send you my encouragement to do all you can to learn what happened, overcome those early incidents, heal those deep childhood wounds and then get on with your life as a fully open, expressive sexual being. You deserve to have it all as a healthy adult woman. Check out the noted self-help guide The Courage to Heal, join a self-help program such as Incest Survivors Anonymous, or even consider seeing a therapist to allow you to clear the pathway for sexual intimacy.
It's no surprise that the sizzle you now feel for the older man has you confused. Maybe, after all these years, you can finally know that it's okay to trust men in intimate situations. I am happy to hear that your sexual interest has come alive. But be aware that those feelings are fleeting fantasies that may cause you even greater pain if this new fantasy does -- or even if it doesn't -- become a reality. Take the time to heal and become whole within yourself, then explore carefully as you begin to grow into your new sexuality.
As for your marriage, I am not sure whether you will ever get the passion going. There are many reasons why people with a history of abuse avoid sexual contact or sexual intimacy. Perhaps your initial decision to marry your hubby was triggered by wanting to be in a safe container without sex. Inside, you knew that he was not an erotic partner but someone you could trust and love. That's not that uncommon. But if you can get to the finish line with healing from your past, it's sure worth trying.
