Learning to Trust Again

Dear Sherry:

I have a problem with trusting. I always imagine that the gentleman for whom I am getting serious feelings is cheating on me. I am usually wrong, but it actually makes me sick to my stomach, and I can't eat without feeling nausea for weeks. I don't know how to control it, and I find myself feeling alone a lot.



Sherry Amatenstein

Sherry is the author of The Q&A Dating Book and Love Lessons from Bad Breakups. She has taught dating seminars, appeared as an expert... Read more

Dear Trustless:

You don't give details about the factors behind your lack of trust -- did your dad cheat on your mom? Did a "gentleman" in your past do the deed with some other gentlewoman? If your mistrust is so serious that it has ongoing physical manifestations, it obviously stems from something pretty rough. But in order to dispel it, you've got to admit its cause, grieve over the initial betrayal and begin to move on. Please trust me when I say that therapy might be something you should undertake before entering another relationship.

I do want to assure you that not all men are cheating pigs. True, the infidelity stats are high, but many members of the male persuasion are capable of monogamy (and the many of the Relationships staff are involved with examples of living proof). You're blaming ALL men for the sins of -- okay, many, but not ALL.

Hopefully fairly soon you'll be able to form a relationship with a decent, caring, honest, kind man who proves himself worthy of trust. You'll have to level with him about your suspicions and why you have them, and the two of you can work together at slowly but surely developing a bond strong and secure enough to last for a lifetime. Good luck.

Virtual Resources:
Dating Dilemmas: Why Do Men Cheat?

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