Disclaimer: You know this show's been on a looong time when the flashbacks start taking place on the island.
And for all those Nikki and Paulo haters out there, your time has come...
Read on for the recap.
RAZZLE DAZZLE ’EM!
I always thought it was only a matter of time before one of the flashbacks took place at a strip club (come on, the show’s got to get its ratings up somehow), but who knew Mr. Lindelof and Mr. Cuse would give us a double wammy of met expectations with a Lando Calrissian cameo! (NFW Chill-o-Meter rating for a guest appearance that puts Peg Bundy and Cheech to shame: 6/10.).
I must admit, I’ve dreamt of the episode in which the former administrator of Cloud City would mystically appear on the island and beat Sawyer in a rousing game of sabacc before smuggling the now-destroyed submarine, but his appearance in some shady Aussie TV show called Exposé as what looks to be a trigger-happy pimp suits just fine too. It’s Billy Dee!
So, after Nikki, playing the little stripper that could, does a few high kicks while simultaneously shouting “Razzle Dazzle” (try it… it’s not easy), Lando shoots her dead.
When the scene is over, Nikki’s grandpa appears on the set to congratulate her on her guest appearance. But then they start making out! Gross!
Back on the island, Nikki’s running and digging and then drops dead right in front of Hurley and Sawyer. Her last words? Plywood? No. Power lines? No. Paulo lies? Oooh, scandalous!
80 DAYS AGO
Nikki and her partner-in-killing-rich-grandpa-lover Paulo poison the old man, steal something from his safe and head to the airport where they cross paths with Shannon and Boone. (Hooray for cameos!)
When the plane crashes, viewers get a taste of what the pilot episode would have been like of the creators actually thought to include these two from the beginning. They see Jack helping some pregnant lady. They watch Boone run around searching for a pen. They even see Arzt, which seems fitting, as -- like them -- he was another one of the “new” characters.
Soon, Lost viewers everywhere started questioning their own memories: “Maybe Nikki and Paulo were there the whole time. Maybe I was too enamored with that darn Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle to notice. Maybe the show isn’t the problem. Maybe I am the problem.”
Somewhere between the “If we can’t live together, we’re going to die alone” speech, Arzt discussing the merits of medusa spiders’ paralyzing effects and another cameo (enough already!) by Ethan -- who’s apparently a Wisconsin alum as well as an Other -- N & P go in search of their lost goodies. While looking, they came across the plane where Boone found the radio and the opening to the Pearl hatch. They probably also found a pay phone, a working helicopter and a “push here to leave this dreadful island” button, but they really wanted to find this bag.
In present time, Hurley and Sawyer start their investigation into the death of Nikki only to find Paulo dead in the jungle. With one of his shoes in a tree. And with his pants undone. They also find said bag, which includes a script of Exposé, some nicotine gum and a walkie-talkie, much like the ones the Others use. Hmmmm…
12 HOURS AGO
In what rivals Lando’s bit as the best performance of this episode, Nikki approaches Sawyer about getting one of his guns. They argue for a good few minutes, and she storms off. Sawyer then calls out, “And who the hell are you?!” Thank you, James, for asking what we’ve all been asking for quite some time now!
8 HOURS AGO
Just when N & P accept the fact that their prize -- which turned out to be a $8 million worth of diamonds -- was as lost as they were, Nikki found some of Paulo’s nicotine gum. See? Cigarette addiction is baaad news, people.
And so, apparently, are medusa spiders. (Why must no one listen to Arzt?) Nikki, to gain control of the situation, decides to use the spider -- whose bite can paralyze someone for up to eight hours -- on Paulo. Little does she know that when one spider bites, it releases a scent that sends other medusas to the scene. Just as Nikki finds the diamonds in Paulo’s panties, and just as he tells her how much he loves her and all that crap, she gets bitten.
You can see where this is going.
By the time she hides her stash in the ground and makes it to Sawyer and Hurley, she can only muster the word, “para..lyzed,” which sounds unfortunately similar to “Paulo lies.” Crappity crap crap!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
The castaways dug holes for the burial. (They’re alive!) They put Nikki and Paulo in those holes. (They’re alive!) They had a funeral service in which they chided them for killing each other over diamonds. (They’re alive!) They began filling those holes with dirt. (They’re alive!) Nikki opened her eyes! (They’re alive!) (They’re alive!) (They’re alive!)
Just when we thought there might be a happy ending here, we see Sawyer and Hurley’s job well done. A gravesite. (NFW rating for what ended up being the most gruesome death scene on Lost to date. Again: 8/10.)
So, N & P weren’t necessarily an integral part of Lost as a whole, but if I were the writer who came up with this idea, I’d find a way to add it in, even if it did mean annoying the hell out of every true-blue Lost fan as they wondered why these two hotties just showed up on the beach.
AND I’M STILL LOST:
When Paulo was hiding his dirty little secret in the toilet (no, get your mind out of the gutter) at the Pearl, Juliet and Ben strolled in. They talked about finding out what Jack’s invested in and exploiting it so as to get him to do the surgery. Nothing new, right? I was hoping for a little gem.
A side story to this episode was when Charlie revealed to Sun that he was the one that kidnapped her and dragged her through the jungle. Not the Others. Okay, so I’m really trying to keep up with everything, but I must’ve forgotten that that was apparently a big deal. She did punch co-conspirator Sawyer square in the jaw, which made it all worthwhile.
Next Week: LET’S GET READY TO RUUUMMMMBBBBLE! There’s going to be quite the cat fight between Jack’s leading ladies, Kate and Juliet.