Lost That Loving Feeling? 3 Ways to Get It Back

The last year or so, I have had no real desire to have a sexual relationship with my husband. I have sexual desires for other men, but, of course, don't act on those desires. I think it's because my husband doesn't know how to introduce the subject of sex to me. Foreplay is minimal and, if he wants to have sex, he asks me, "Do you want to do it?" This turns me off. How can I get that loving feeling back? I want to be able to have a sexual relationship with him, but can't seem to get it going. --iVillager "T"


Dear "T":

Your question is very important and affects many couples. There are many reasons why the sizzle of desire fades. Sometimes emotional blocks get in the way. In the early 1980s, I studied with John Gray (of Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus fame), who was then teaching about emotional healing. His amazing "Love Letter" process (a writing exercise that forces you to access and express your feelings) creates a way to clear emotions, allowing a person to reconnect with his or her original loving feelings. He claims -- and I agree -- that unless there was love in the first place, you would not be feeling so upset. Love is the foundation of any intimate relationship and the feeling you want to return to.

I suggest that you take one of three approaches:

1. Just Do It: You could jump-start your sexual touching by simply doing it. You and your hubby could watch and repeat what you see from an erotic massage video, such as The Lovers' Guide: Massage and Intimacy or The Ultimate Massage, both available by special order from my site at www.yoursexcoach.com. Sensual touching is a safe, excellent and enjoyable way to reconnect your bodies.

2. Ask for What You Want: You have to model what you want. If you were to say something like, "Honey, here's how I want you to ask me to be sexual with you. Tell me, 'I want you' or 'Come here, you're so sexy.'" You may be surprised to find that if he follows through, you'll really want him to jump your bones!

3. Communicate: Finally, it may be that you two are stuck with unresolved feelings. I sense that his not understanding your repeated requests for foreplay have resulted in your avoiding sex altogether. Talking openly about your disappointments, encouraging what you want and having the intention to get back on track will assist you in rekindling that spark.

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