Love the Boyfriend, Hate the Sex

My boyfriend and I have been dating for several months and started having sex about one month ago. Before we started sleeping together, he told me that he didn't really enjoy sex and thought it was overrated. I thought this was a trick to get me into bed sooner, but I was wrong. We have sex often enough -- it's the act itself that has me frustrated and wanting more. It lasts about three to five minutes and consists of him touching or kissing my breasts and then straight to the deed. He doesn't even like to kiss! When I talk about it, he says that our relationship is about much more than sex. Though I love him, I'm considering ending our relationship because of the lack of intimacy. Should I just focus on accepting him and ignoring our sex life? --iVillager ''M''


Dear M:

You are in a pickle. It seems to me that despite the love you and your honey feel for each other, the sex department is not where you go shopping. The problems you mention are really his territory, so only he can fix them. He needs to be motivated to address this aspect of his life. It's possible that over time he may change and your sex life may improve, especially if his failings in the sexual department stem from not knowing how to be a good lover. If so, there are plenty of self-help couples' enhancement videos out there that will do the trick, some of which are available at my site ( The newest and one of the best ever is the Kama Sutra tape featured in my online store.

Although I'm sure you don't want to hear it, another possibility is that your boyfriend is gay and simply has yet to discover that he is not and will never really be sexually attracted to women.

Here is the straight truth: Either the lust is there or it's not. If you read the book The Erotic Mind by Dr. Jack Morin, you will learn all about the formula for sexual attraction. According to Dr. Morin, sexual attraction equals excitement plus perceived obstacles. So, in this case, either your boyfriend doesn't really feel much sexual excitement (which is what he's telling you is his life pattern) or he doesn't perceive an obstacle between the two of you, such as your being unavailable emotionally or physically, or both. Maybe if you were to up the ante and tell him that unless he comes around and behaves more sexually interested, you are out the door (a sure obstacle), then things would change for the better.

For you to feel happy in this relationship, it's going to take a lot of tolerance and self-denial on your part to keep the fires of love burning when your groin is aching for attention. And if you imagine yourself in that mode for a lifetime, a vision of a happy long-lasting partnership is not what you will see on your horizon. Ask yourself this: Is this relationship going to sustain my interest and hunger for a satisfying sexual experience over the long haul?

Like This? Read These!
- Finding his G-spot
- Signs of the big O
- When size matters
- Pleasing yourself
- Multiple orgasms explained
- Overcoming Shyness in Bed

Need Advice?
Get answers from iVillage experts and other moms just like you!
Question Details
  1. Pick a subject:
Connect with 1,039,394 members just like you
Share your knowledge, ask questions.