Madonna Opens New Gym Chain

We're hoping for a Like a Prayer yoga studio and Die Another Day cardio wing

Last month, Madonna announced her plans to open a worldwide chain of fitness centers, called Hard Candy Fitness. The first 30,000-square-foot club is slated to open today in Mexico City, with 10 more locations to come in Russia, Brazil, Argentina, Europe and Asia. Since no Hard Candy gyms are currently slated for the U.S., we took the liberty of dreaming up the inner workings of the Material Girl’s workout wonderland. Some things we'd expect to encounter...

A Like a Prayer yoga studio: Poses like this don’t just happen by themselves. Downward Dog your way to flexibility in the Ashtanga-centric studio, where Gwyneth Paltrow is rumored to stash her own mat and blocks. Sting may guest teach. Om Shanti, off Madonna’s 1998 Ray of Light album, is expected to play in a continuous loop.

An Erotica hamstring curl machine: Eek out curl after curl while suggestively lying face-down  on Hard Candy’s hamstring curl machine. All weight-lifting equipment will be dangerously upholstered in studded black patent leather; Optional handcuffs keep you tightly gripping the steel handlebars.

A Drowned World aqua aerobics class: Don’t be scared off by the tongue-in-cheek name; lifeguards will be on duty 24/7, clad in chic one-piece cone bra bathing suits.

A Die Another Day cardio wing: Sculpt rock star muscles in the hour-long, boot camp-style Deeper and Deeper Power Pump class, where heavy weight reps and body weight moves like lunges and push-ups are interspersed with high-intensity cardios or take a spin with an evening Burning Up spin class.

A Like a Virgin abductor machine: The inner/outer thigh machine is like a giant kegel machine, allowing you to squeeze, squeeze, squeeze your way tighter. Besides, it’s impossible to sit in this thing and not like you’re visiting the gynecologist, as your legs are forced open by the padded arms, so it needs a name that makes you feel a bit more demure.

Immaculate Collection towel collection service
: Madonna’s locker room will keep you feeling clean and pampered. All mirrors will be equipped with a miraculous insta-airbrushing feature, shaving 10 to 20 years off your face like Dolce & Gabbana recently did in her ad campaign. Then, bronze up by nabbing a cancer-free spray tan in the Ray of Light sunless tanning studio.

Hardcore exercise fans, take heart: Madonna never misses a day of working out, and neither should you. Hard Candy will be open on all Holidays.

Would you workout at Madonna's gym? Chime in below!
 

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