Making the First Time Special -- At Any Age
Dear Dr. Patti:
Do you have any suggestions for a 34-year-old virgin (who is afraid of sex) who has just found the right man to start a relationship with?
A
Question:Dear A:
Congratulations! I want to start by saying, "It's about time!" so let's get you prepared. Because I do not know your personal or sexual history, other than what you have NOT done, I cannot probe the depths of your experience or psyche. But your comment about your fear around sex makes me believe that you suffered greatly as a child or adolescent girl. Those feelings and memories need to come into the light and be healed before you can freely soar in the present. So, hopefully you can find someone competent as your professional guide to help you with that process.
Before you can become sexually involved with Mr. Right, you must first know your own body and its responses. This is usually discovered by your own masturbating practices. I suggest that you get the book "Sex For One" by Betty Dodson, which will give you the guidance and permission to explore and open up sexually.
The basics for you and your new man will involve going gently, slowly and carefully. It's important for you to be honest with him about your background as a sexual explorer. Tell him directly that he's your "first," and that will pave the way for a better experience for you two. He may also feel honored and even excited that he's the one! Start out with the simple steps, such as a sensual caress of each other's bodies or a sensual massage, until you begin to feel comfy with him at a body level. Add in the other steps when your mind and body feel open to that. Do NOT try to achieve penile-vaginal penetration right away - - wait until the two of you become familiar, trust between you is present at a physical as well as emotional level, and your body tells you, "YES!"
Oh, P.S., the first sexual penetrative experience may cause a sharp pain and even a little bleeding. Don't panic -- just go with it, and you will recover shortly.
Best of luck in your new journey, and I send you all my wishes for a healing and delightful experience.
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