Me Against My Swimsuit

Our bathing suit nightmares and the ones we wouldn't be caught dead in

I don't know if it's the stark fitting room lights, the cheeseburger I just ate or my delicate self-esteem, but swimsuit shopping can be a total nightmare for me. They look so good on racks, mannequins and billboards. Why is it that when I throw one on (okay, more like squeeze into it), I'm suddenly reminded of my summer enemies: the rudely honest sunlight, every cheeseburger I've ever eaten and my shattered self-esteem.

Surely, I wasn't alone. I took my swimsuit insecurities to the iVillage message boards to see if I was the only one on the swimsuit-hating boat. What I discovered? Courageous (not to mention, hilarious) women who've tried, been mortified and laughed about their swimsuit woes...

Like a Big Grape
I wanted a new suit while on vacation one year, many years ago, and found a nice one in a nice dark purple color I liked. After squeezing myself into it and tucking loose bits in (somewhere), I made the mistake of asking my then 7-year-old daughter what she thought. She smiled and said, "You look like a big grape!" Not the look I had in mind. I put the suit back and made do with the old one I had.

The "Naked" Pattern
A few years back, hubby and I were shopping in anticipation of a cruise. Knowing how particular I am about swimwear, he suggested we check out this little boutique to see if I could find something I liked. I came across a simple, modest one piece, patterned with what I thought were random dots and lines of blacks, browns and grays. After I donned the swimsuit and opened the door of the dressing room, preparing to get hubby's opinion, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the end of the fitting room hallway and totally freaked! When viewed from a distance, the "randomness" of the pattern wasn't random at all! It created the illusion of a totally nude body! Suffice it to say, that swimsuit went back on the rack, and I was out the door in a flash. I still blush just thinking about it!

Granny Panties
I tried a bikini on one time that had too much material on the bottom. I pulled the bottom up and it went almost all the way up to my boobs. Man, it was a scene. I couldn't stop laughing.

The Thong Song
I haven't shopped for or worn a swimsuit in years. I was slim and attractive (patting myself on the back) in my younger days, but I always thought I was way overweight. Now that I am overweight, I look at some women with thongs and skimpy tops on, and I couldn't have imagined wearing something like that -- skinny or fat. Besides, where I'm concerned, the thong would be sooo well hidden that one would think I was naked.

Too Many to Name Just One
Well, let's see... that would be the one with too much boobage showing, the one like a potato sack tied in the middle, or the one that made me look like I was six months pregnant! Oh wait a minute, that would be any or all of them!

Have a swimsuit nightmare to share? Laugh with us. Chime in below!

Like This? Read These:
- If My Bathing Suit Could Talk, It Would Say…
- What Does Your Swimsuit Say About You?
- Summer Style A to Z

Connect with Us
Follow Our Pins

Yummy recipes, DIY projects, home decor, fashion and more curated by iVillage staffers.

Follow Our Tweets

The very dirty truth about fashion internships... DUN DUN @srslytheshow

On Instagram

Behind-the-scenes pics from iVillage.

Best of the Web