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I don't know if it's the stark fitting room lights, the cheeseburger I just ate or my delicate self-esteem, but swimsuit shopping can be a total nightmare for me. They look so good on racks, mannequins and billboards. Why is it that when I throw one on (okay, more like squeeze into it), I'm suddenly reminded of my summer enemies: the rudely honest sunlight, every cheeseburger I've ever eaten and my shattered self-esteem.
Surely, I wasn't alone. I took my swimsuit insecurities to the iVillage message boards to see if I was the only one on the swimsuit-hating boat. What I discovered? Courageous (not to mention, hilarious) women who've tried, been mortified and laughed about their swimsuit woes...
Like a Big Grape
I wanted a new suit while on vacation one year, many years ago, and found a nice one in a nice dark purple color I liked. After squeezing myself into it and tucking loose bits in (somewhere), I made the mistake of asking my then 7-year-old daughter what she thought. She smiled and said, "You look like a big grape!" Not the look I had in mind. I put the suit back and made do with the old one I had.
The "Naked" Pattern
A few years back, hubby and I were shopping in anticipation of a cruise. Knowing how particular I am about swimwear, he suggested we check out this little boutique to see if I could find something I liked. I came across a simple, modest one piece, patterned with what I thought were random dots and lines of blacks, browns and grays. After I donned the swimsuit and opened the door of the dressing room, preparing to get hubby's opinion, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the end of the fitting room hallway and totally freaked! When viewed from a distance, the "randomness" of the pattern wasn't random at all! It created the illusion of a totally nude body! Suffice it to say, that swimsuit went back on the rack, and I was out the door in a flash. I still blush just thinking about it!
I tried a bikini on one time that had too much material on the bottom. I pulled the bottom up and it went almost all the way up to my boobs. Man, it was a scene. I couldn't stop laughing.
The Thong Song
I haven't shopped for or worn a swimsuit in years. I was slim and attractive (patting myself on the back) in my younger days, but I always thought I was way overweight. Now that I am overweight, I look at some women with thongs and skimpy tops on, and I couldn't have imagined wearing something like that -- skinny or fat. Besides, where I'm concerned, the thong would be sooo well hidden that one would think I was naked.
Too Many to Name Just One
Well, let's see... that would be the one with too much boobage showing, the one like a potato sack tied in the middle, or the one that made me look like I was six months pregnant! Oh wait a minute, that would be any or all of them!
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