Mixing Friends: A Recipe for Disaster?
Dear Ms. Demeanor:
I have two distinct circles of friends; one is made up of my straight friends I have met over the years, and the other is a group of gay friends to whom I was introduced at work. I have a great time with all of them (I am straight myself).
My situation: I love having parties, and my roommate often suggests that I have a big party with ALL my friends instead of smaller, segregated ones. The problem is that some of my straight friends are rather homophobic and don't understand why I would even want gay friends. Would I do better to just continue to keep my circles separate, or should I have them interact so they know I care about all of them equally? I don't want a social occasion to turn into consciousness raising session.
Elysabethe
Dear Elysabethe:
Many of us have two distinct groups of friends. That can prove to be rewarding for everyone, and bringing them together at a party can prove enlightening in positive ways.
I, too, have many gay friends, even though my husband and I are straight. It would never occur to us to eliminate people from one group or the other when we give parties. If someone is your friend, that's it. These people are grown-ups, I think. Should they decline an invitation because they're homophobic (and that can work both ways -- I know gay people who don't like to go to parties with a lot of straight people), it's their choice and their problems. Don't take it on your shoulders to be responsible for every one of your guests.
Do take it on your shoulders, however, to make each person feel welcome and introduce everyone around. Do some preparation by thinking about your friends' interests. That way, you can be ready to bring up common interests as you introduce them to each other. Focus on bringing movie buffs together with movie buffs, or tennis players with tennis players, instead of zeroing in on people's sexuality. The introduction can sound something like this: "John, this is Tom Duffy. He's a terror on the courts, too." When you give each person a nugget of information about the other, they have something to talk about, which dispels awkward silences and stilted conversations. (Actually, this goes for any situation at which you have to introduce people to each other.) There's no need to force the issue, of course. Just go out of your way to be a good host and everything should be fine, including you.
