Must I play by "The Rules"?
Dear Sherry:
I was seeing a man for about six weeks. Things started clicking, and then I went about it all wrong -- at least, according to The Rules and John Gray's Mars and Venus on a Date. Rather than letting him pursue me (which he was sort of doing), I started pursuing him, by telling him how I felt about him. I have never felt so comfortable and natural with someone before. But I kind of ended it, though, because I could tell he was pulling back and I wanted to maintain my emotional sanity. But the breakup didn't feel like the end, and I sense that the door is still open for some sort of relationship. Is there anything I can do to foster this relationship, without breaking the rules?
R
Sherry Amatenstein
Sherry is the author of The Q&A Dating Book and Love Lessons from Bad Breakups. She has taught dating seminars, appeared as an expert... Read more
Dear R:
When you're ensconced in a relationship, withholding information about your true emotions is not necessary. But, unfortunately, until you're there, it's not a good idea to reveal your true feelings to a guy until you know that his feelings match yours. In this case, it was probably too soon for you to lay your emotional cards on the table. The depth of your feelings may have scared him.
My advice, like it or not, would be to stop contact with this guy for a while; let him miss you a little. Start dating other men, and make sure he knows you're doing it. (Have a friend of a friend drop a casual word in his ear.) Hopefully he'll start making noises about getting back together, and you're sitting pretty again. (If he doesn't make noises about getting back together again, let it go and truly try to move on with your life.)
I usually would not advise you to be so manipulative. But I regard these tactics as damage control. If and when you get back together, don't be so free to tell him that he's the best thing that happened to women since George Clooney -- until he's ready to compare you to Angelina Jolie.
