My Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex!

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now, but I've noticed over the past few months that he has a low sex drive. He says that it's not me, that he doesn't feel sexually aroused by anyone. He's also told me that he doesn't have an orgasm when he ejaculates. Is that normal? Currently, we have sex a few times a week, but I think he only does it to make me happy. I don't want him to have sex with me out of duty. Is this too much to ask? Or is it him? Should he take some sort of medication or go to therapy? We are dead broke, so if you have any cheap/free alternatives or other suggestions, I would be incredibly grateful.

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Ruth Westheimer

The original sexpert, Dr. Ruth has given advice for more than 20 years. She's hosted television shows including Sexually Speaking with Dr.... Read more

I wonder if the fact that you are "dead broke" is playing a major role in your boyfriend's behavior. Perhaps the feeling that he can't seem to earn a decent living is lowering his sex drive. Men inherently expect to be the breadwinners, and most men who lose jobs will find that their desire for sex decreases. They end up feeling less manly because of their inability to put food on the table. I also think your financial situation might be at the root of why your boyfriend doesn't have orgasms. He could be afraid of causing an unintended pregnancy '- another thing you can't afford.

Of course, this is just a guess. It could be something else entirely. When patients see me, or any sex therapist, the first thing that needs to be done is to rule out any possible physical causes to a given problem. If your boyfriend has truly never had an orgasm, even from masturbation, that could mean there's a medical condition that is at the root of all this. There are diseases, like diabetes, that can make a man impotent. And some medications decrease a patient's desire for sex. Getting a checkup would be an important first step, and hopefully there are some clinics in your neighborhood that don't charge much.

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This problem clearly has nothing to do with you, so don't feel that you are to blame. And it's okay to have sex to satisfy your needs for the time being, until you find out what is going on. Have him go for a physical, even if it means waiting in a long line at a free or reduced-price clinic. If it turns out that the problem isn't physical in nature, then go to a large teaching hospital and see if the two of you can consult with a social worker. They have the training to help in matters such as these, but their fees are reduced, and in some cases may be waived entirely.

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