Naughty Gift Idea: 'Fifty Shades of Chicken' Cookbook

If that bottle of convenience store wine product didn't do the trick at last year's Secret Santa, surprise your friends with a copy of the so-dirty-it's-funny Fifty Shades of Chicken cookbook

What’s sexier than a chicken spread eagle? “Not much!” says that naughty foodie deep down inside of you.

From “dripping” thighs to bacon-bound wings, the new cookbook Fifty Shades of Chicken is full of naughty vignettes and, well, chicken recipes. A parody of the bestselling Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, the book, by FL Fowler (get it?), takes a similar approach, following the relationship between an inexperienced chicken and Mr. Blades, a dominating chef. Their torrid affair is captured in 50 vignettes and recipes titled “Mustard-Spanked Chicken” and “Pound Me Tender.” Let’s just say the chicken takes quite a beating.

Not convinced? Enjoy a special sneak-peak (and recipe!) in the excerpt below:

Popped-Cherry Pullet
Vanilla’s all right once or twice, but we can’t keep that up,” he says.

My subconscious hides her eyes. He’s way out of my league. A man like him could never get excited about chicken. How could I think I might ever be what he craves? What does a man like him crave?

He fixes me suddenly with a predatory stare. “We’re going to remedy this situation right now.”

“What situation?” I ask, alarmed.

“Your situation. You’re utterly unseasoned. I’m contemplating haute cuisine with you, when you’ve never been paired with anything, it seems.” He cocks his head to the side.

Paired? My inner goddess pulls her head from under her wing.

“I’m going to make dinner with you right now. We’ll begin with something sweet, soft, and juicy.”

Holy sh*t.

“I thought you didn’t make dinner,” I say, my heart pounding. “I thought you just cooked, um, hard.” 

I hear his stomach growl deeply, the effects of which travel all the way to my tail at the base of my cavity—down there.

“Don’t think I’m getting all hearts and flowers. This is a step in a process. A process that I think will make a superb finish. I hope you’ll think so, too.”
I cluck low with anticipation.

His stomach growls again. “Chicken, will you please stop clucking? It’s very ... distracting.”

He lays me face down and starts to drizzle my back and thighs with oil.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” he says gently.

“Yes,” I beg. “Oh, yes.”

“I’m going to cook you now, Miss Hen,” he mutters as he opens the door of the oven. He slides me into the oven.

Beneath me is a bed of wet, dark, pitted cherries. The dry heat takes me into a sudden embrace, and my juices flow freely over the torn fruit.

I never thought it would feel like this. I never imagined it could be this good.
B’gaaaawk!

Roasted Chicken with Cherries and Herbs

Serves 4

1 (3 1/2 - to 4-pound) chicken, patted dry with paper towels
1 3/4 teaspoons coarse kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 small bunch thyme, rosemary, or sage
1 pound pitted sweet cherries
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
Lemon wedges, for serving

1.Gently rub the naked chicken all over with 1½ teaspoons of the salt and the pepper, paying attention to the bird’s cavity and every crevice. Press the herb sprigs all over the flesh, including the cavity. Place in a bowl, cover, and let marinate expectantly in the fridge for at least 1 hour or up to overnight.

2.When the mood is right, preheat the oven to 400F. Put the cherries in the bottom of a roasting pan and toss with a tablespoon of the olive oil and the remaining ¼ teaspoon salt.

3.Put a rack on top of the cherries and lay the chicken, breast down, on the rack (remove herbs on the outside of the bird before roasting; you can leave the herbs in the cavity where they are). Drizzle the back and thighs of the chicken with a tablespoon of oil. Roast for 40 minutes, then thrust a wooden spoon into the chicken’s nether parts and flip the bird so the breasts are up. Stir the cherries. Drizzle the breasts with the remaining tablespoon of oil and continue to roast until the chicken is juicy and golden and completely done, about 40 to 50 minutes longer. Let rest for 10 minutes. Serve with lemon wedges.

WATCH: Why Women Are Obsessed with Fifty Shades of Grey

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