Naughty or Nice? 4 Sexual "Taboos" That Can Improve Your Sex Life

As a sex coach, I've met and helped many couples create pleasurable techniques from taboos (pornography, sex toys and more). Of course, many of these couples initially came to me hoping that I would convince one partner to stop doing whatever he was doing because she found it embarrassing or simply too taboo. But I'll bet that you would be surprised to learn that there are millions of couples in the world who do things that you might have before considered a sexual no-no or "taboo." If you are simply looking for new ways to enjoy a healthy sex life with your partner, it's time to open your mind and expand your capacity to explore your full range of eroticism.

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(One word of warning though: If your partner is truly dependent on explicit sexual images to get turned on, if you're overspending on 900-numbers, or if no time is being spent on human touch while both of you are in fantasy land, then that's not healthy and should be addressed.)

Check out the following "taboos" and imagine how life might be without such constraints. You might be pleasantly surprised at the results.

  1. Dirty talk
  2. Strip or exotic dance clubs
  3. Adult toys
  4. Pornography


Taboo 1: Dirty Talk

Have you found yourself in the heat of passion, longing to say something sexy, only to loose your nerve? Have you ever been worried that you'd take it too far and embarrass yourself? You're not alone, and dirty talk doesn't have to be such a departure from your regular romantic routine or your personality. Instead, it can be a great way to let loose -- and make the moment even hotter.

Why people like it: "Talking dirty" or sexy talk is a form of teasing, an aphrodisiac for most men (and many women) and a vehicle for expressing your naughty side. It can include everything from sexual slang to simply using a sultry voice to ask your partner to allow you to do things. It's an attitude, along with a learned set of skills.

Why it could make your sex life better than ever: Learning to talk dirty is a skill. In order to be really good at it, try it out in front of your mirror alone at first. Then baby-step it into your sex playtime. If he winces or resists your doing it, you may have to find out why. If he responds by getting more aroused or playful with you, continue and add to what you are already doing. Allowing yourself the freedom to let loose with your language and style of verbalization can make you feel more alive in bed. It can boost your self-confidence and allow you to know that you are capable of growing and changing.

Using sexy talk is an easy way to bring fantasy into your bedroom because it's a slight departure from the way you usually communicate with your partner. You can even take this one step future by incorporating role play. For example, pretend you are a geisha girl, a 13th-century courtesan, a sultry siren, a rough 'n' tough cowgirl, or a saloon doll. No matter what you choose, it may open up new behaviors and possibly new energies that will translate into arousal.

Why it's taboo (and why you may be afraid to try it): Some women can't get the idea out of their heads that "good girls" don't talk that way. But talking erotically is a form of giving and asking for pleasure. Celebrate your sensuality rather than acceding to messages that make it bad, shameful or "wrong." Others worry that their lover is immoral, a loose woman or has been with someone else. Be sure to address these concerns up front, and even before you implement your new seduction style, clarify where this is coming from.

Warning signs: If you find discomfort in using sexy language such as the "F" word, perhaps you need to discharge the negativity that it carries for you. Try repeating it often in private, and it will lose its highly charged spin. But if you find that this makes you feel angry or unusually uncomfortable, you may need to work with a counselor or trusted friend to unearth the cause, such as the sexual history that has to be addressed.


Taboo 2: Strip or exotic dance clubs

Does this sound familiar? Louise's husband likes to go to strip clubs and watch women undress -- and it bothers her a lot. She wonders, "Is he a sex addict or is there something wrong with me?" She worries that maybe she's not pretty or sexy enough for him. If she were, then why would he need to do it?

What people like about it: Men appreciate visual stimulation, while women tend to respond more to feelings (expressed through words or sensual touch). Therefore, taboos that engage the visual senses are the most popular for men. For women the opposite may be true. Think of romance novels (story) or erotica on tape (auditory), which both have an emphasis on caressing or massage (sensations).

Why it could make your sex life better than ever: This is a great way to bring the elements of escape and relaxation into your busy life. And if either you or your partner have suffered from a low libido lately, the fresh energy from a professional performance can be a great way to plug back into the erotic socket.

This may surprise you, but you may be able to free yourself by seeing other women perform erotically. Think of it as training. When you watch another woman seduce a man, you may feel less inhibited about your own body and sexuality, and increase your level of sexual self-confidence. (Not to mention learning how to take it off, in a way that produces the right result.) This can be an inspiring way to get new ideas for teasing and pleasing your guy when you get back to your bedroom.

What makes it taboo (and why you may be afraid to try it): You might see exotic dancers or strippers as competition. But if you allow yourself to feel jealous, rather than appreciating the gift of having another woman tease your lover in a fantasy setting, then you lose. Then there is the matter of comparing your body to the dancers or strippers. But if you're feeling inadequate, just keep one thing in mind. Just like athletes, these women work out with the attitude that their bodies are the tools of the trade. If you were to spend five hours daily in the gym, you might feel not only like comparing but also competing on the dance floor!

Warning signs: If your guy frequents strip clubs on a regular basis, it may imply unhealthy indulgence rather than a once-in-a-while treat. It's a sign that he's depending on "fantasy" women to get his motor going. And if it's overtaxing your bank account, that's a signal to stop this hobby this moment.


Taboo 3: Adult toys

"Will my lover think that he's not enough for me?" "What will my friends think of me if they find out that I bought those kinds of things?" If you've ever let worries like these stand in the way of enjoying adult toys, it's time to start singing a new tune -- and time to go shopping!

What people like about it: Sex toys (sexual aids) are devices for increased sexual response, performance and pleasure. In fact, according to Dr. Renshaw (Seven Weeks to Better Sex), three out of every four women cannot attain an orgasm by sexual intercourse alone. That's where the toys come in.

Why it could make your sex life better than ever: Sex toys are a boon to a sexual relationship, even when it's a solo act. Yes, masturbation is much better with toys. They can help you achieve great pleasure by providing continuous stimulation, at the right speed, intensity and placement; they can assist in helping with control of orgasm, erection and ejaculation; and using toys opens up the opportunity for discussion about sexual technique and pleasure.

What's available? Women today can find a range of power tools to assist them. External vibrators include the Hitachi Wand style, with attachable G Spotter head, Natural Contours, and Pocket Rocket styles. For internal use (between the vulva lips or inside the vagina) there are many styles -- some with double action, some with a steady pulsation such as a vibrating egg, others with insertable heads, and even more with complex shapes for movement and intensity. There are G-spot objects that stimulate, such as Goddess wands or Pyrex glass devices (available at Yoursexcoach.com). Other toys help men with sustaining erections, women with anal pleasure, couples with simultaneous stimulation of their genitalia, nipple jewelry and even "sex furniture" (Liberatorshapes.com) that helps you get in the correct positions for optimal pleasure. There are sex toys for just about any part of the body and just about anyone's tastes.

Why it's taboo (and why you may be afraid to try it): Some women worry that using a vibrator will make their partner obsolete. But trust me when I tell you that I've never met even one woman who preferred her power tool to her mate for the long run. The same argument holds true for the perceived problem of a man getting jealous of his partner using a toy. Yes, those tools stimulate tirelessly and in ways that defy the human touch, but the human aspect is not replaceable. Others are concerned about vibrator dependency. The fear is that using a vibrator on a constant basis (especially some of the more rigorous stimulators) can make it difficult to later be pleasured by the mere finger, tongue or penis. As with any other tool, use it sparingly and don't over-depend on any one object or technique.

Warning signs: If you find yourself (or your partner) relying solely on toys and not each other, that's a signal to lighten up on your mechanical friends and get back in touch with your real partner. If your man puts a ban on toys, this is a signal that he may be threatened. If so, you need to have a good talk about it.


Taboo 4: Pornography

What is it with men and pornography? It's an age-old question, but one that doesn't seem to be going away. But what if you found out that what you thought was a nasty and embarrassing habit could actually be something that you learn to enjoy together? What if it could give you new ideas and make your sex life even hotter? You may be in for a surprise.

What people like about it: Pornography or erotica is sexually explicit imagery (or words), such as pornographic videos, print magazines, and X-rated movies and Websites. It is designed to stimulate the viewer (or listener) as arousal material. The key: This is fantasy, not reality. Most men would much prefer to be with a real live woman, than the pretty Barbies they see on the screen. Though it's perfectly normal for some men to enjoy pornography and masturbation now and then as a rest from their daily demands, even from the lusty women they love. (Plus, if you can let him have that time, he will be reenergized for you later.)

Why it could make your sex life better than ever: Variety, new ideas, new positions, ways of relating, seeing sexy people -- can all help an existing sexual relationship. Pornography is the mass market's sex education. Pornography can show you how to do new things and give you the permission to try them out. It can also provide arousal cues. For some women, seeing things such as two women making love may spark sexual arousal despite the fact that they would never engage in the act themselves. Or, a couple may want to role-play some of the scenes they like from a video, try a new toy they saw demonstrated or imagine themselves as actors on a set -- all of which adds fuel to the fire. Think of pornography as a way to add to your own eroticism, and it can become a wonderful part of your bedroom escape.

Why it's a taboo (and why you may be afraid to try it): Many people simply associate pornography with something dirty that only desperate people would stoop to enjoying. But this doesn't have to be the case. If you want to make pornography into something sensual that you and your perfectly respectable partner enjoy, no one can stop you! You might see pornography as your competition, but remember that these are fantasy images, not real partners. Also, don't compare yourself to the women you see there, because like the strippers I mentioned earlier, they're using their bodies to earn a living. That means that they are working out while you're at the office or minding the kids. The same argument works for the fear that pornography will make your guy feel inadequate. These are not documentaries; in fact, some of the sexual acts are highly edited, the camera angles could make Tiny Tim look big, the behaviors are repeated on screen, they are cut out of sequence, and the men selected as pornography performers are often hired because of their larger erections.

Warning signs: Just as with anything else, moderation is key. If find that you or your partner are overindulging in pornography, stop for a while. Then ease back into it on a moderate basis. Another pornography no-no is allowing your partner to compare you to the women on the screen (or vice versa) in an uncomfortable way. If this happens, turn off the video immediately (or stop watching them for a while). That's your signal that this has left the realm of fantasy and is now interfering in your real time and space.

Once again, just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is a taboo or sexual no-no. As long as two consenting adults decide to try a sexual activity, consciously and with shared views on it, it's okay. Use what you have learned in these four examples to boost your life in bed, and explore beyond your boundaries with delicious abandon.

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