New Mommy Sex Blues? 10 Tips to Put an End to "Charity" Sex

My husband and I love each other and have the same goals in life, but everything we do is centered around our two-year-old daughter. When it's time to get in the mood, I don't have anything left. I don't feel sexy at all. I know my husband is ready and willing, but he doesn't want "charity" sex. I feel guilty for not making my husband happy. Any suggestions?

Question:
ABOUT THE EXPERT

Gayle Peterson

Gayle Peterson, PhD, is a family therapist specializing in prenatal and family development. She is a clinical member of the Association... Read more

Becoming a mother for the first time can be emotionally, physically and spiritually consuming. It's very important to take time for yourself so you can begin to recharge your own batteries.

1. Take a mommy time-out. Find time to be alone. Simply sit and relax. Get out of the house for a bit and read the newspaper from cover to cover at a local coffee shop while Daddy and daughter spend time together.

2. Daydream. Think about what interests call to you outside of motherhood -- things you liked doing in the past, or new pursuits you?ve dreamed of. Are there any classes you might enjoy? Clubs you would like to join? Friendships you want to have?

3. Make friends. Motherhood can be very isolating and babysitting exchanges, co-ops or playgroups may help you start to reconnect to others. Adult stimulation is necessary to spark your energy and develop your own avenues of interest. Your low energy may be in part due to depression and loneliness if you are not reconnecting with others or yourself by two years after the birth of your child. Depression diminishes libido!

When you recover your own individuality from total immersion in motherhood, you may find you have energy for your husband again.

Your relationship needs attention, for passion to remain alive. Commit to spending time together getting reacquainted with one another sexually -- and in other ways, too. Expect shyness. Spending time alone with your partner can be like going on your first date together -- all over again! Catch up on the personal changes you have each experienced since you became parents. Daily walks and talks, as well as candlelight dinners, can help to refocus your relationship on intimacy.

Once you have regained some of your own interests and are taking the time to communicate intimately with your husband, you may feel ready to get sexually reacquainted.

7 best sex tips ever for new moms

1. Learn to love your new body. Take time to appreciate the ways your body has changed after pregnancy and childbirth.

2. Recall pleasures of the past. Think about what encouraged romance or passion in the early days of your relationship and begin to revive some of these interactions -- even in a small way. Write your husband a card, remembering a pleasurable or erotic moment you shared together before your daughter was born can be a start.

3. Make time for love. Engaging in intimate conversations after your little one is in bed can help inspire long-lost feelings of passion.

4. Set the mood. Begin to reeintroduce music, flowers and candlelight into your life.

5. Take it slow. Enjoy a warm bath together, gently washing one another by candlelight. Do not plan on making love right away.

6. Explore each other's body through touch. Take turns caressing each other, but avoid genitals and breasts when you begin. As you or your partner lie nude on the bed, the other can gently stroke the body from head to toe. First lie on your back as your partner strokes you, then on your stomach, allowing him to touch you from your scalp to your toes.

7. Tell your partner just what you want. Share what feels good; how you like him to touch you now. Discover, or rediscover, what feels pleasurable to your partner. Does he like a soft stroke? Does she like slow steady pressure or a lighter touch? Share what feels good. Have a "naked date" together without pressure to have sex.

Remember that your relationship is the garden in which your daughter grows. You will need to take time separate from her to nurture your relationship. But when you nourish your marriage, your child will also benefit from the increased love and passion that flows between the two of you.

Answer:
Need Advice?
Get answers from iVillage experts and other moms just like you!
ASK YOUR QUESTION
Question Details
Subject
  1. Pick a subject:
Connect with 1,039,394 members just like you
Share your knowledge, ask questions.