Playtex Wants Your Vagina to Smell Like Bubblegum

Because your lady bits are too dirty and stinky for sex

Ladies, do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling? Cue embarrassed teen on the beach with her Mom. If you grew up in the 80s like me, you’ll know I’m referring to those douche commercials that left an indelible impression upon my brain that said My. Vagina. Stinks.

You never see douche ads anymore because the consensus is that shooting chemical-laced water up into your vajayjay does more harm than good. But in its place have sprung a host of other products that urge a little spring-cleaning for your nether regions, like Playtex’s new Fresh & Sexy pre- and post-coital wipes. You know, because the natural scent of your lady bits is so off-putting to men that you need to freshen up before doing the deed.

At this moment, you’re probably having PTSD flashbacks to the time your guy was like, "oh, hell no, I can’t do this, because your vagina smells like -- a vagina." Oh, wait, that never happened because most (heterosexual) dudes, as it turns out, actually enjoy the scent of a woman. Flash to a guy telling another guy to smell his fingers -- it’s pretty much a bro’s badge of honor.

I checked in with my husband about it and he agreed: A woman is more worried about how she smells down there than a guy is. And if you really do have some stink going on, well, you’re either not showering as much as you should be or had better hightail it to your gynecologist.

We did, however, come up with one suitable demographic for Fresh & Sexy: professional escorts. If sex is your business, and you’re going door-to-door, you probably don’t have time for a bubble bath between customers, and might want to give yourself a good wipe-down with these.

These Fresh & Sexy wipes are nothing more than overpriced baby wipes whose packaging -- and scent -- remind us of chewing gum. Seriously, I’m tired of companies trying to Febreze my vagina like it’s a dirty couch cushion. Manufacturers, take note: We don’t need scented tampons, pantiliners, intimate wash or post-coital wipes. Maybe if we weren’t fed so much crap about how unsuitable our vaginas are for intimacy, we might be able to relax a little more in the sack and focus on enjoying it.

And, by the way, Playtex, your product just came out. Do you really have four five-star reviews on Amazon from guys who have only reviewed football jerseys up until now? Just saying, it smells a little fishy to us.

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