The New Suburban SUV/Body Mass Index

So, on the one hand, there was all this uproar in Spain a little while ago barring those models with too low a body/mass index (BMI) from modeling in fashion shows in that country. (The body/mass index? That would be some too-complicated-for-this-mathaphobe formula calculating height and weight that would basically prevent 90% of the planet’s superstar models/waifs from strutting their stuff on the runway).

On the other hand? I read that Banana Republic and some other stores are actually going to start offering sub-zero (“00”) sizes that are even smaller than the size 0 now all the rage with the Nicole Richie-wannabe set. Turns out enough people are taking in their too-big size 0’s (Who are these people anyway? They’re not hanging out at my local mall) to make this a viable proposition money-wise for the retailers (and we all know that that’s what’s fueling the bottom line here, not a burning desire to save fashion x-rays a trip to the tailor).

Okay, maybe I am jealous. The only part of me that would qualify for a sub-zero size would be my earlobe. So instead of the traditional body/mass index, I propose my own suburban version: the “SUV/Body Mass Index.” Basically, this formula would discourage any woman who weighs less than a single tire on her super-mega-sized sports utility vehicle from getting behind the wheel of it. (Hint: If you need a stepstool to step up into the driver’s seat of your SUV, think sedan.)

So, if you have a high enough SUV/BMI, you’d still be able to hop into your sports utility vehicle to go to the mall to pick up some real women-sized (something above a zero) fashions. If your SUV/BMI was too low, however, you’d only be permitted to cruise over to the mall for the purpose of hitting the food court. And hey, while you’re there? Have an extra Cinnabon for moi.

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