Nicole's Non-Eating Disorder Eating Disorder
And now for a recent entry from Nicole Richie's (fictional) diary:
Dear Diary,
I just can't win. My plan for becoming a bigger non-celebrity than Paris totally backfired. I was so sick of being the "fat" one on The Simple Life. Why should Paris get the all the sex-tape scandal fun and the super-skinny bod? So like, I totally lost all this weight and looked super hot, and everyone stopped caring about Paris and started caring about me. And like, I know we're supposedly all BFF again, but really that's just a publicity stunt so we can keep Simple Life going, so I can tottaly still talk about her behind her back. But anyway, now for the past year-and-half, everyone has been saying that I look too skinny.
So, I did what any rich non-celebrity celebrity does: I told Vanity Fair (because that's like totally a respectable magazine), that I knew I was too skinny and that I didn't like the way I looked, b/c duh, that's how to get the public on your side, right? See, I learned some things from Paris. But anyway, the interview was like so not enough to compete with those pix of me on the beach.
So now, I have to do something drastic. Something Mel Gibson-esque drastic. I know -- I'll check into rehab! That totally always works.
I'm still not going to say whether or not I have an eating disorder, because that's like so Mary Kate Olson from three years ago, but I'll just have my publicist tell People:
"Nicole Richie has decided to undergo diagnostic treatment to determine why she's not been putting on any weight. She is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition. It is important to Nicole that she achieves this goal in a healthy way as this is not a treatment for an eating disorder."
Oooh, that's like soooo perfect. DJ AM and Brody Jenner will totally want me back now. And, I'm still so much better than Paris.
-- Lindsey (Suzy's off this morning)
