I’ve blogged before about No Holds Barred Naked Vagina Woman (NHBNVW), this lady at my gym who sits bare-assed on the floor, spread eagled, clipping her toenails while reading a book strategically placed between her legs. (She clips every day. I don't know how her nails grow so quickly, except maybe the crazy pills she takes contain biotin and horse gelatin). She is a freak if ever there was one – I have no problem with being naked...clearly...but when little children are being sent to therapy for your antics, it’s time to wisen/cover up.
I’m not kidding – so many young kids were complaining to their moms about what they were seeing and the bizarre-o things that came out of NHBNVW’s mouth that the staff at my gym was forced to take action. So, in an effort to gently encourage her to not broadcast her vajayjay to the world in such a startling way, they posted a sign in the locker room that said, “Please employ modesty when changing.”
I have some issues with this. First, it’s a bit hard to employ “modesty” in a place dedicated to stripping naked. It's almost implies, “We don’t want to see too much skin here. Please change into your workout gear in the bathroom stalls.” But I guess if you’re too chicken to directly confront a patron about her proclivity for waving her boobs around like an American flag on the Fourth of July, this could be the way to go.
Except it didn’t work. NHBNVW tore the sign down. And she’s still as uncomfortably naked as ever.
Adding to the drama, I myself was mildly traumatized yesterday in the shower as I sudsed up next to…you guessed it, NHBNVW. As I washed my hair, I heard a loud, “Oh!” come from the shower stall next to me. Not a scared or startled “Oh!” but a rather sensuous-sounding, drawn-out “Ohhh!” I continued washing. Next: “OOH!” Again, more of a moaning than a shout. I was not happy but continued to the leg-shaving portion of this televised segment. And then, a very loud "F@#!K!”
OK, this was too much. Was she really giving herself an orgasm in a public place, less than a foot away from me? A woman passing by the showers actually called in, “Is everything OK in there?” NHBNVW called out, “Oh, I’m OK. Don’t worry about me.”
I decided to hurry the hell up and get out of that now-cootie-infested bank of showers, when I heard a few more groans, all of which actually sounded more like an animal being hurt. I got a bit scared- what if she was actually having a heart attack or something? How am I supposed to get into heaven if I let a poor crazy woman just die in the gym showers? I called out, “Are you sure you don’t need any help?” To which she replied, “Oh, no, no need to call 911. I just hurt my shoulder yesterday and raising my arm overhead hurts a lot.”
Honestly, I’m sorry your shoulder hurts but my back and neck KILLED for months and months and I never let out a cacophony of masturbatory screams of pain while washing up at the gym. There’s a way to muffle your sounds rather than risk alienating and frightening and disgusting an entire locker room. It’s called suffering in silence. Heard of it?
Any suggestions for getting a woman like this to tone down her antics when, it her defense, they are taking place in a forum where nudity it to be expected? Help me. Help the children.