My friend Ruby was checking out at Whole Foods in Manhattan on Monday when she saw a sign about donating money to Haiti through an organization called Americares. Unfamiliar with the group, she asked the woman in line in front of her if she knew anything about it. The woman, clad in supersized sunglasses and a black hat, replied back, “I’m not sure, but if it makes you feel any better, I just donated.” And when Ruby heard that high-pitched voice, she looked up to realize that none other than Sarah Jessica Parker was talking not-for-profits with her.
Sadly, I don’t have any grocery store checkout line stories that even compare, but I, too, was recently rendered slack-jawed by something that jumped out at me as I lined up my Greek yogurts and thinly sliced Butterball Honey Roasted Turkey Breast.
It was this.
Nadya Suleman graces the cover of Star along with the tagline "My New Bikini Body." The occasion (besides the fact that it’s a day that ends in “-day”?): It's been a year since she delivered octuplets via C-section. And now the attention-hound is on the prowl for praise and attention over her TOTALLY NATURAL, non-surgery-enhanced body, which, after dropping from a high of 270 lbs to 120 lbs, includes a stomach that is flatter than my own, a belly button so taut it’s Victoria’s Secret-vertical, huge-but-perky boobs and a cellulite-free rear end. In the article, Suleman says, "People are like, 'Oh, you must have had some surgery.' No way. I would feel like I cheated! I don't care what other people think, but I wanted to prove that I could do it on my own naturally."
OK, so first of all, we’re supposed to believe it’s possible to go from this to this without a scalpel, while juggling 14 babies, all through diet and exercise? Even though Kate Gosselin, our only other frame of reference, had two FEWER kids in there at once and still needed a tummy tuck to go from this to this? And then she’s claiming that all of her stretch marks magically vanished through topical collagen-stimulators and Vitamin C – despite the fact that experts widely agree that stretch marks cannot disappear unless they are surgically excised.
May I also remind you, this woman originally deemed post-baby bikini photos gauche and showy, saying, “Honestly, I'm not as attention seeking [as Kate Gosselin and I’d] probably never [pose in such a revealing bathing suit]. And if I do, I'll wear something more appropriate. I'll wear little boy shorts, like the '50s or '60s bikinis - a little cuter, less attention seeking."
Riiiight.
The statement I take most issue with is, when asked about surgery, she said, “No way. I would feel like I cheated!” But plastic surgery isn’t cheating. What IS cheating is having plastic surgery but then being dishonest about and contending that you lost 14 babies’ worth of excess skin and fat and stretch marks with Pilates and skinless chicken breasts. It’s dangerous because it makes other women think, “Well, if she can do it, so can I,” but when they inevitably fail, they feel even more horrible about themselves. It sets a false precedent and an impossible standard.
And it’s just plain ludicrous for her to say she has had no cosmetic surgery when her face and body have clearly morphed into a wildly alternate version of her former self. If she were able to achieve these types of physical changes on her own, scientists would have her sealed up in a lab somewhere so they could study her and publish studies with titles like, “A 34-Year-Old Woman Lifts Breasts Three Inches Without Augmentation and Incinerates Eight Pounds of Belly Fat Through Sheer Will: A Case Study."
“Bikini body” aside, the fact that she’s posing in these sexy, come-hither, “Whoops! I accidentally untied my bikini bottom!” pics while her 14 kids are God-knows-where makes me want to cry-barf.
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