Photo Credit: James Devaney/WireImage
Dear Ryan Gosling,
I'm sorry for ruining your life.
It recently occurred to me that it has become impossible for you to walk out the door without the paparazzi stalking you like a pack of half-starved cheetahs. You just want to find some chill place to read El Topo: A Book of the Film, 'cause that’s the kind of thing you sexy artist-types do.
And my need to post your most recent photos to my Ryan Gosling Is the Yummiest Man Alive board on Pinterest has hindered your right to be the Yummiest Man Alive without being hassled.
You are not a chiseled god sent as the perfect model of human physique, and for relentlessly ogling you, I am sorry.
It also wasn't right for me to buy those dish towels with your face -- the most expressive face in Hollywood -- on them.
You are an actor to be respected for his wide-ranging talents, not used as a tool in Photoshop to create the next great Internet meme. For sharing this…
… and this…
… and this…
… I am sorry.
Speaking of: I just found out you never actually said all those things over on my favorite blog, Feminist Ryan Gosling.
You are not deeply in touch with my wants and needs because you are preternaturally attuned to the struggles of women, and for that misunderstanding, I am sorry.
(You remain my Favorite Sensitive Movie Dude. Noah + Allie 4Ever)
Which brings me to the most difficult truth I’ve recently come to accept: You have a girlfriend. You. Have. A. Girlfriend.
While I immediately deleted all Eva Mendes films from my Netflix queue when I found out you were an item, I actually feel kind of bad for you guys now. You can’t even hang out in public together. You won’t talk about her. She refuses to talk about you. Is a relationship even a relationship if you can’t post the photos from your romantic foreign getaway on Facebook? You deserve a normal relationship, including dinners out and significant other bragging rights. For scrutinizing your love life beyond recognition, I am sorry.
I hate to think my actions are the reason you’ve walked away from acting (temporarily, right? Right??). I hope it’s not too late to make amends.
You’re too important of a person for Hollywood to lose. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Your #1 Fan
P.S. If Eva ever breaks your heart, you should seriously consider dating a non-celebrity. You were a Mouseketeer. I’ve visited Disney World. I mean, it’s worth a shot.