Orgasms: Keeping the Passion -- and Pleasure -- Alive
Could you tell me exactly what an orgasm is? I have been married for 30 years and have had one experience where there were shooting stars, fireworks, etc. This hasn't happened since. Sex is pleasurable, but I would like to have this response repeated. It's not from lack of trying from my husband (I give to him too). He goes beyond the call of duty. What can I do to feel this wonderful sensation again? -- B
Question:Dear B:
You're on the right track, giving and receiving. I get the sense that you have a longing for a "once was" and you are stuck on expectation. You must ALLOW an orgasm, not force it. Orgasm is the release of built-up tension, energy and engorgement of blood that occurs after sex has begun. Sex researchers have found four phases of sexual response: arousal or excitement; plateau or that heightened state in which some women (and men) get stuck; and the big O, or orgasm; followed by resolution -- the falling back to normal state. Dr. Helen Singer Kaplan identified a fifth element, desire, as an early phase that enhanced the firing up for the blast-off you describe.
Most people do NOT get those cataclysmic feelings except for the rare occurrence. With proper guidance, however, and plenty of communication about what you like and need with your lover, and an understanding of how to pump up the volume, you may get there again.
To enhance your orgasmic response, first, make sure you're relaxed, rested and able to devote your concentration to the moment, not the ringing telephone or unpaid bills. Notice your breathing, and allow long, deep breaths to set the mood; follow that with a long, slow build-up of gentle caressing, passionate and soft kissing, and allow your bodies to experience each other as for the first time. Be in the center of the experience with all your senses and mind. Feel each other's skin, body parts, explore with all your own devices his inner and outermost places, and let him do the same to you. It's a journey and not a goal- setting process. Keep the fires burning once you are impassioned through music, wine, videos, food, poetry -- whatever lights your desires.
Keep those desires alive and then let him inside of your special place both physically and emotionally. Hopefully that will turn the tide for you.
Answer:
