Play Dates - Having Fun While Staying Safe
My son has been invited to play at a few classmates' homes that our family does not know well. My concern is his safety while he is at these homes. I worry about the rules they have for their children and whether my child will be well supervised. I am very concerned that the family may have guns or weapons in the home. The boy who lives next door was shot, and killed, by a classmate while he was on a play date. How do I go about asking these questions to unfamiliar parents without offending them or seeming too pushy?
Question:Gayle Peterson
Gayle Peterson, PhD, is a family therapist specializing in prenatal and family development. She is a clinical member of the Association... Read more
You are absolutely right that your child's safety is of the utmost importance! Your job is to ask questions and get feedback about the environment and guidelines for supervision in any situation in which you entrust your child's welfare to someone else. Play dates at neighbors' homes are no exception.
Guns and weapons are not the only problem. Sexual molestation occurs more frequently with people children know and trust, than complete strangers!
Even though you may feel uncomfortable doing so, express your concern to your neighbors about appropriate supervision. Particularly with the tragedy that has occurred in your community, these parents will likely not only understand but may also feel relieved that a parent is asking these very essential questions. Perhaps even calling a community meeting and discussing safety guidelines would be in order. This would also give you an opportunity to address your fears with the support of other worried parents.
If a parent does seem to take offense to your questions, simply say, "I do not want to offend you in any way, but I do need to be certain that my son is safe as he is not familiar with your house or your rules." Also, decide ahead of time what level of supervision your child needs and communicate this to the parent. This is very important, as children differ.
Your son may need more hands-on supervision if he is particularly active, while another child may not. It is your job to let others know your child's temperament and needs and what you expect from them. You can return this respect when their children visit your home. Ask if there is anything you should know about their child's needs or any special concerns. It is likely that when the tables are turned, they will reciprocate.
Create safety guidelines with your child. Talk with him about having fun, but keeping safe! Be specific about your concern about firearms, street traffic, and appropriate adult supervision and behavior. Let him know that if he feels uncomfortable for any reason, he should let you know. Use examples from his experience whether it be television programs, real events or the news. Be sure that he understands the danger of weapons, and can recognize inappropriate sexual behavior by adults, or even other (often older) children. Do not imbue him with the expectation for harm, but do not shy away from giving clear messages about his own safety.
Keep in mind that some of your best and most reliable feedback may come directly from your child. Ask him about the play date and whether he felt safely cared for by the adult present. Assess the level of supervision by checking in with your son about the activities he enjoyed and his overall comfort in the situation. This is particularly important in homes in which alcoholism or some other problem may not be immediately evident. By relating to your child, you will likely get a signal if something seems "off". Your child will also likely let you know if he is uncomfortable with anything that goes on at others' homes, if he feels you will listen.
Your job as a parent is to ask the "hard" questions. If that means others occasionally find you "pushy", so be it. Do not be intimidated to ask questions and check out situations to your own satisfaction and peace of mind.
Parenthood may require that you develop the ability to vocalize your concerns. This is one of the many ways your son may challenge you to grow. It is better to be unpopular than deeply regretful later. Your child is depending on you. Do not let him down!
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