Pleasuring Him -- and Satisfying You, Too

I am 25 years old, married to a 24-year-old. Our sex life isn't bad, but I do have some worries. Whenever he initiates sex, it's great, but I'm not always in the mood. When I try to start things, he's not in the mood. Often all he wants is a blow job, sometimes more than once a day. I do it, but I don't really enjoy it. I feel sometimes that unless I give him a blow job we won't have sex. And then when I do and he climaxes, he's not interested in sex anyway. I've asked him what else I can do to turn him on, what his fantasies are, but the answer is always the same: He says he doesn't know. I know sex isn't everything when it comes to a marriage, but I can't help but feel rejected when I try to turn him on and it doesn't work. Any words of wisdom? --iVillager "M"

Question:

Dear M:

I am happy to answer your great question, but first I want to urge you to defuse your own negative self-talk. You seem to be running a damaging tape inside of your head about your competency as a lover. Forget that! It's time to change the channel to one that tells you that what you are doing in bed is fine, that this is a joint venture and that you can be the best lover you want to be! You're already pleasing your man to the utmost, by performing his favorite turn-on: oral sex.

Couples often report that they get stuck in a rut of SSDD -- same stuff, different day. The key to great sex all the time is to change your patterns together. Just as you've tried to do, the two of you need to discuss alternatives to relying on oral sex to jumpstart his engines. If oral sex more often than not turns into the be-all and end-all for your husband -- a replacement for intercourse -- that leaves little left for you. It's time for him to be open to new turn-on methods, ones that you thoroughly enjoy and ones that will lead to enhanced lovemaking for both of you. It may not be easy for your husband to relinquish control and respond to your advances, though. If you propose this from a non-accusatory angle, such as wanting to explore what does and doesn't arouse him or wanting to show him what turns you on, he should be more amenable.

Speaking of which, you seem to be forgetting your own needs. The fact that all your husband seems to want from you is blow job is a signal that something's off here. Ask yourself, how are your needs being met (if at all)? Next, figure out a plan to fix the situation. One suggestion is for you to get one of the self-help books for couples by Laura Corn: 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex or 101 Nights of Grrreat Romance. These books are divided into separate sexual activity envelopes, some for you and some for your man. They're really fun, and they can help you discover new areas of each other's bodies to explore, as well as introduce you to specific sexual exercises.

If you two don't start focusing on both of your sexual needs soon, you'll lose interest in each other, and difficulties may arise in other areas of your marriage. A sexual relationship, like the rest of a marriage, is something that grows based on honest communication, trust, openness to experimentation or change, and negotiation. If you can't seem to work it out together, I urge you to seek the help of a counselor.

How can you pump up the passion in your relationship? Learn to Banish Sexual Boredom

Don't know how to tell your mate it's time for a change? Learn to communicate your desires, here

For more advice on getting the most out of sex, check out these sizzling Love Lessons:

  • Be Incredible in Bed: In five steps, you'll learn four basic moves that every woman should know -- and find out what sexual satisfaction is all about!
  • 30 Days of Great Sex: This four-week program will help you and your partner get closer in -- and out -- of bed and learn new ways to satisfy each other sexually.

Do you have a sex question? Ask away -- or check out what other women are asking -- on our Have Hotter Sex/Ask the Expert message board!

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