What can I say? The blessed event is one week closer! I’m larger and more sore than ever. I don’t think I have ever survived on so little sleep! I’m anxious to meet our baby and saddened by the fact that these are my last days “alone” with my precious Jacob. I’m sure we’ll adapt, but I can’t help but think about how every day housework and paperwork seems to eat into our time together now and how much less time we’ll be able to spend together in a few short weeks.
Now that I’ve said that, I’ll admit that just about every other thought I’ve had all week has been about how I’d like the baby to come NOW! Ok, so I’m starting to really sound like the “typical pregnant woman” described in every book and magazine article. The truth is I am happy about the baby’s arrival, but there is something sad about how it could impact my relationship with Jacob. On top of that, I find myself feeling terribly guilty about my wishes for the birth and postpartum period. I’ve said that I want Jacob to be with us. This is very important to me as a way of including him from the initial moments of the baby’s life and demonstrating that he’ll always be special to me regardless of how many babies I may have.
I am worried, on the other hand, that I’m not taking the one-on-one time for this baby. When Jacob was born, he was immediately the center of our lives. Shouldn’t this one be too? Shouldn’t Rob and I make time to be alone with this baby? I feel at this point that the baby is lucky to have a big brother who wants to be there and that if Jacob had older siblings we would have included them in his birth. Therefore, I am going to try to stop feeling bad for either child and try to do what is best for the whole family. I’m afraid that this is going to become my new motto on life. I wonder how my parents could have raised four of us, and my grandparents seven, without questioning each and every decision they ever made!