On this particular night I found myself pondering how I would handle two children that belonged to me. I know in my heart that I can love and nurture two, three, or any number of my own children. Love like that isn’t something that you can run out of. However, as I enjoyed this special moment with Jacob I began to resent the fact that I won’t be able to devote my full attention to him for very much longer. I found myself explaining to him (as if he would understand my concern at his young age) that no matter what happens, no matter how many babies we end up having, he will always be my first baby and that I’ll always make time for him.
As I started to drift off to sleep myself I began to wonder how it would feel to nurse another baby. Or, to cuddle another sleeping infant all night long. I realized then that Jacob would no longer be sleeping in my arms at night. (It doesn’t seem safe to have a toddler and a defenseless infant snuggled in the bed together.) And, I began to wonder if I could love another baby enough to be able to give up these special times with Jacob. Suddenly, the magnitude of my thought hit me and I realized that not only could I love this baby that much, I know in my heart that there is no possible way I could not love it that much.
Perhaps there is some truth to the fact that my special time with Jacob will change, but it certainly will not disappear. I kept thinking of my own brothers and sisters. I am the oldest in our family. I do recall times when I wished I was an only child, but never did I feel like my parents had any less love for me simply because my siblings existed. On the contrary, as a member of a relatively large family, I can not imagine it any other way. Now the challenge that exists is for me to raise Jacob and this baby to feel the same way. The good news is that I have many years in which to do it!
For now, all that matters is that we’re going to have a baby! And, we’ll love it, and treasure it just as much as Jacob.