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Does a trip to the dentist sounds like more fun than a tumble between the sheets? We feel sorry for you, but you’re not alone. Here are the top reasons why women may be turned off by sex and ways to fix your sex life:
You’re not lubricated
Sex that’s drier than the Sahara is no fun at all. Some women think that if they use a lubricant, it means they’re a failure, but that’s not the case at all. “Simply said, not enough lubricant and too much stimulation means it hurts,” says Lou Paget, certified sex educator and author of The Big O: Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming. “Girl, find a lubricant. I recommend Very Private Intimate Moisture.”
You don’t masturbate
“Masturbation is one of the best ways to get to know your body so you can tell your partner what you want,” says Paget. “Masturbating is often more private than sex.”
Without intimate knowledge of your own body and what gives it pleasure, it’ll be even more difficult to find sexual satisfaction with a partner.
You’re worried about being a good girl
In your mind, nice girls don’t do x, y or z. Which means every experience you have sets you up for feelings of guilt.
“Good girls deserve pleasure, it'is a very positive thing,” says Paget. “Do you think god would have created nerves if they weren’t to be enjoyed? We enjoy our sight nerves with art and loved ones’ faces, our hearing nerves with music, our taste nerves with food, our scent nerves with smell so it is 100 percent logical we’d enjoy touch nerves for pleasure. Feel better?”
You’re thinking about how you look…not how you feel
Being too self-critical about your appearance takes you out of the moment during sex and prevents you from letting loose. Chances are your partner loves the way you look.
“Create a ‘feel’ environment rather than a ‘look’ environment,” suggests Paget. “Dim the lights, close your eyes. Take some deep breaths and focus on your sensations. Another option is to blindfold your partner.”
You don’t try new things
Any woman would get bored of sex if she did the exact same thing every single time!
“Are you a one note samba in the food area too?” asks Paget. “Sex is an appetite so give yourself permission to try a new position or a new lube. And remember, beginners have all kinds of permission to not know what they’re doing and try new things anyway. It can be fun and it creates a shared history for the two for you.”
You don’t ask for what you want
If you’re too shy to speak up, sex will surely continue to be something you dread doing.
“Stand in front of the mirror and practice telling your lover what you want,” suggest Paget. “Once you practice asking for it there will be a nerve response pathway in your brain and it will be easier to say it to your partner. Also ask when you are vertical not horizontal, there will be less pressure.”
You’re worried about doing it the “right” way
Don’t concern yourself with what your friends (or actors in a Hollywood movie) are doing. The only ‘right’ way to have sex is the way that feels good to you.
“Your way is the right way for you,” says Paget. “If you’re concerned about your partner ask him with single word questions: Lighter? Slower? Faster?”
You don’t realize there are benefits to sex
The hormones released after sex/orgasm can help you relax and feel good. If you focus on the fact that sex is healthy you might like it more.
Insomnia problems? “Some men and women view sex as the ultimate sleeping pill,” says Paget.
You’ve had bad sexual experiences in the past
A combination of a trusted new partner who’s willing to go slowly with you and a good therapist can help you change your old, negative associates with sex.
“Focus on making future experiences good,” says Paget. “Be in charge and know you can leave should it not be to your liking. Create the feeling of you being in charge.”
You’re on the pill or antidepressants
There may be something chemical going on that’s squashing your libido. This is one to speak to your doctor about for sure.
You’re a control freak
The key to enjoying sex is being able to let go...and let yourself go. Stop trying to always be in charge of the outcome or the situation.
“If a woman’s trying hard to be in control in the bedroom, she’s not focusing on what’s important, and is probably too much in her head to really relax and enjoy herself,” says Sadie Allison, Ph.D., Founder of TickleKitty.com and bestselling author, Tickle Your Fancy—A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Self-Pleasure. “Let go and surrender to your lover. You may find yourself in a much better place to receive new, unexpected pleasures.”
You have trust issues
If you’ve been betrayed by a former lover it can be difficult to truly be yourself around the next one.
“The best sex is when you’re completely open with you lover, with lots of communication and trust between the two of you,” says Allison. “If you don’t trust, you’ll always have a wall up, which could hinder your sexual appetite. When you feel safe with your sexual partner, sex can be deeply satisfying. If you don’t feel you’re with a trustworthy partner, move on. If it’s baggage you carry, start the process of addressing it and eventually letting it go.”
Getting your zzz’s is more important to your sex life (and overall health) than you think.
“It’s easy to dislike any physical activity that’ll take one more ounce of energy from you after a long day’s work and overwhelming responsibilities,” says Allison. “But sexual connection is a very important part of any healthy relationship. So at minimum keep it alive with kisses and cuddling and a quickie here and there!”
Because he keeps bugging you for it all the time!
If he doesn’t give you a chance to want it, you may begin to feel like sex is just another thing on the to-do list!
“For some, if there’s no give-and-take with the fun of initiation, you can feel burdened by your partner,” says Allison. “Be open and honest with your lover, and communicate your thoughts and needs about this. Let him know you want to build lust and desire for him, and that you require that space.”
You’ve never had an orgasm
If orgasms have been elusive for you, sex may feel more like a quest rather than a fun exploration.
“If you’ve tried but just can’t seem to achieve the big ‘O’, sex can become quite discouraging and easy to give up on,” says Allison. “Consider picking up a how-to resource on female masturbation (i.e., Tickle Your Fancy—A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Self-Pleasure) and learn what it takes to bring yourself to orgasm (and practice!). Starting there will help you to understand your body better, what feels best and then you can show your lover the techniques that you crave.”
You feel too much pressure to like it
If you’re psyching yourself out, no wonder sex is no fun.
“Any time a woman feels pressure, we risk losing our mojo and falling right out of the mood -- especially if that pressure is coming from our own thoughts!” says Allison. “There’s no reason to be hard on ourselves if we don’t have an orgasm every time. Sex is so much more than the end result -- it’s just as much about the journey getting there. So enjoy it for every unique moment and experience it brings.”
You are just not that sexual of a person
Different people have different sex drives -- and that’s ok! Instead of opting out, why not dip your toe in and explore some potential new turn-ons?
“Love and accept who you are, fully,” says Allison. “It’s okay if you don’t like sex that much. However, make sure you’re not selling yourself short and using that as an excuse. Be truly honest with yourself, and if there’s an issue causing you to feel this way (i.e., you're in a relationship with wrong person, you have personal issues/insecurities), address it and get help if you need it. Sex is too wonderful to let it fall by the wayside!”
Because you haven’t been having sex
Doing it makes you want to do it more! So just do it!
“Self-love ladies! You never have to be in dry spells,” says Allison. “God gave us 10 digits and two hands -- the best sex toys ever. Use ‘em! Take matters into your own hands until that Mr. Right comes along.”
You’re bored with your partner
No one can be expected to have the same high level of excitement about their man all the time. There’s nothing wrong with a little fantasizing from time to time! “Being bored can easily put a damper on your attitude and motivation for sex,” says Allison. “Get out of your rut and take the initiative to try something new, even if it’s as simple as testing out a new position, wearing a new sexy nighty or watching some adult entertainment together.”
You’re not attracted to him…Oops!
Many women put pressure on themselves to feel turned on when the problem isn’t with them, it’s their partner! It’s not a matter of being shallow. He may be the sweetest guy in the world, but if you don’t want to jump him when you see him, it’s time for a reality check (and probably a new lover).
“Find a new playground, honey,” says Paget. “If you are choosing someone your body isn't attracted to there are most likely other issues in your life you need to address.”