Last week, you learned and practiced how to get your man's attention. The goal was to find, feel and expand that "connection zone" in your relationship. Getting your partner to be more aware and attuned to you and your wants and needs is the obvious first step on the road to better lovemaking and intimacy bliss. Next step: acknowledgment.
It's your approval that we men crave. We have been known to climb mountains, cross oceans and risk looking foolish to get and keep it!
This sounds so simple, and it is, but it's also the step most often left out. "Oh, he knows that I love him" or "I'm not going to feed his ego until I get mine" are two common rationales that often stop heartfelt acknowledgment in its tracks. The essence of true acknowledgment is approval. Your lover wants to know that you approve of who he is as a human being. This means his core values, his love for you, his dreams -- and his humanity. By humanity I mean all the parts together, as a whole. He has his high points, and also those areas where he falls short of both his ideals and yours. If he were perfect, you -- and millions of women like you -- wouldn't be needing or reading this Love Lesson. It's your approval that we men crave. We have been known to climb mountains, cross oceans, risk looking foolish and, in short, do whatever it takes to get it and keep feeling it! Make no mistake -- your approval is potent stuff to your man.
The sexual (and other) refinements you want and need from us are much easier to inspire when we know that, overall, you approve. If we feel your approval along with your guidance, we will eventually succeed in better meeting your wants and needs. Now I know some of you are thinking that this just won't be true in your case, but I assure you it will, as long as you are willing to follow the steps I lay down for you in this workshop. Believe it or not, deep down, your man really does want to give you everything you want, no matter how things may seem to the contrary! We just need your approval and guidance to get us there.
Next page: How to offer approving remarks your man will recognize and react well to.
| how to retrain your lover |
So, how do you offer approving remarks in a way your man will recognize and appreciate? First off, be sure your comments are truly approving. Be careful not to offer up any remarks, requests or criticisms that have the tone, "This isn't enough." Instead, let the underlying message be, "I want more." With the first statement, men hear "I'm not enough." We hear that we have failed to please you, that we missed the mark, which will make us feel defeated and more apt to tune out and turn off. However, when we hear, "I want more," we know we did something right. At that point, we are much more willing to listen to how you want us to make sex and romance even more pleasing for you.
Keep your compliments and approving comments short -- we men can't take too much per dose.
Now that you have a guide about how to present your approving remarks, acknowledgment is easy as long as you do, in fact, approve of your man. If you find that you do not approve of your man, I strongly recommend you move on or seek professional counseling. That may sound harsh, but you can never hide that truth, and the road only gets bumpier from there. If you have a shred of approval left, put your attention on it and proceed.
This week, your assignment is to tell your man something you like about him, be it in or out of bed. For example, let him know how much it means to you that he spends quality time with you or performs tasks that please you. He wants to hear how he makes a difference in your life, from the littlest detail to the grandest design. All you need to do is speak from your heart. You can utter just one or two words at the right time, offer an easy-to-understand wink or smile, or create a grand presentation, whichever is most appropriate for you, your relationship and your goals.
One tip before you start: Keep your compliments and approving comments shorter rather than longer. While you women are deep pools for receiving acknowledgment, we men can't take that much per dose. We grow uncomfortable and edgy. Short doses work best on us. If you see your man fading away (pay attention to his attitude or body language), you have overfilled his cup. Finish your acknowledgment and end with a hug, kiss or something unexpected and you'll bring him right back! Practice until you learn his limits as well as his favorite compliment topics. Focus on putting this exercise together with last week's (getting his attention). After all, a compliment can be a great attention-getter!
What words of praise work well on your man? What lines are a bust? Share your suggestions and stories with other iVillagers here.
Tune in next week for step three of How to Retrain Your Lover, when you'll learn the art of asking (for what you want).
| how to retrain your lover |