Searching for My Skinny Mirror

Monday’s guest blog is from Amy of Gazelles on Crack. She likes dirty martinis - a lot - and, thus, we like her. I am currently scouring Craig’s List for a skinny mirror to match my reflection to my perception. 

I was perusing the blogosphere the other day (either at home or during a sanctioned break at work, of course) and came across a post, link now forgotten, about skinny mirrors. The author of the post mentioned dressing room mirrors, and how the stores tilt the mirrors to make your reflection appear slimmer. She also mentioned the best skinny mirror ever – found in a random motel.
I started thinking about mirrors – and, of course, skinny.

Do any of us truly see ourselves as we appear to others? (A possibly rhetorical question that may be impossible to answer.)

When I was 25, I topped the scales at 210 lbs. For someone whose driver’s license states that she’s 5’2” (that, like my DL weight, was a bit of a white lie), that was definitely beyond the healthy range. And, although it’s true that I could maybe stand to lose a few more pounds even now (my BMI is stubbornly stuck at 26), I am definitely in a lot better shape than I was seven years ago.

My weight loss had two phases. When I became determined to lose weight, I joined Weight Watchers (and whatever my current feelings about WW, I’m not sure I could’ve done it alone at that point). In the first eight months of 2003, I lost forty pounds.

I hovered between 170 and 175 for the next four years. I was actually okay there. I knew I still wanted to (and needed to) lose some more weight, but I’d already lost forty pounds and it was hard to stop patting myself on the back for that.

I never did regain any of that weight – and in 2007, I rejoined WW and during the next four months dropped another 25 pounds. I currently hover right around 145 pounds – or, about 15 pounds higher than the WW online tool will accept as my goal weight (and that’s an entirely different post, a much, much angrier post).

When I was at my heaviest, I was a size 18/20. In my midrange, I was a size 12. Now – I’m a size 4 (which might explain my laissez-faire attitude towards that last 15 pounds WW thinks I should lose).
When I was over 200, wearing a size 20, I never saw myself that way. Now, when I look back at photos, I’m truly amazed at how heavy I was. I didn’t see myself as skinny – but I wasn’t fat then, either – at least not in the mirrors.

Now – I seldom see myself as a size 4, and am still frequently surprised when I do see photos of myself. I will never be skinny – I’m built more like a sturdy pony than a graceful gazelle regardless of my online handle. BUT – I am wondering if I will ever see myself as I am. The only time that my reflection seemed to match my actual appearance was at that midpoint – the 170 pound, size 12 midpoint.

I often wonder if other people who have lost a lot of weight (for me, I’m at 65 pounds and counting – very, very slowly) have the same perception problems, and if there ever is a point where the person I see in the mirror is an actual reflection of who I am.

Who looks back at you when you’re checking out your reflection? Is it a different person when you’re deliberately looking in the mirror than when you catch your reflection out of the corner of your eye?  Does who you see make you happy?

Do you have a mirror for sale?

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