Step 4: Relax -- and Reach the Big O!

Orgasm is one of the mysteries of life. As the French put it, it's that time when you experience "le petit mort," or the little death. Yes, at the point of orgasm there is a moment when you are in a state of suspended animation, neither here nor there, just being and letting go.

One out of four women had difficulty reaching orgasm during partnered sex during the prior year, according to recent research.

If there is one block that women report to me, it's their fear of letting go or losing control. If that sounds like you, you may squirm at the thought of being seen by your partner in the throes of your orgasm. You may also feel a lack of inner trust. Take a few moments before sex to tell your partner about your fear of letting go. Set aside 10 minutes, equally divided, so that each of you can talk while the other carefully listens. You will find that this method allows you to safely express your deepest thoughts and feelings to your beloved and to listen to his.

Often, that expected moment of orgasmic release turns into an inability to pop. In her new book Women's Sexualities, Carol Ellison, Ph.D., writes that according to her extensive research tracking the sexuality of 2,471 American women, 38 percent have never had an orgasm and one out of four women had difficulty reaching orgasm during partnered sex during the prior year. So, if reaching an orgasm is not easy for you, you are in a large circle shared by many women. One trick you can use to keep aroused in the pre-orgasmic phase and move closer toward climax is to increase sensation and stimulation (see Week 3 for more on this).

Next page: More of Dr. Patti's tips and tricks for reaching orgasm >>

 the secret of arousal
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Another trick for reaching orgasm: Direct or indirect clitoral stimulation. Did you know that most women require this for orgasm to occur? Ask your lover to use his (or her) mouth or finger to rub on your clitoral area during penetration. Many women I have coached who have difficulty with orgasm find that a personal vibrator helps them to climax. I like the personal products from my friend Candida Royalle, which are available at my site ( and at hers ( These massagers, called Natural Contours, are discreet (they resemble a pastel cell phone!), ergonomic, user-friendly, pretty and perky devices. Or try my standard requirement for orgasm coaching, the Hitachi Magic Wand. Think of it as a hefty power tool to be used on the outside for reaching the ultimate peak!

If you TRY to reach orgasm, you are actually pushing it away.

One of the best tricks for reaching orgasm is to avoid trying to have one. Really! Try this: Put your purse down in front of you on the floor. Now, try to pick it up. I said TRY. Are you still trying? Yup, by TRYING you are NOT getting the result you want. Now, stop trying and just allow yourself to pick up the purse.

One way to have the orgasm that you desire is to allow it to happen on its own. I assure you that if you TRY to reach orgasm, you are actually pushing it away. By refocusing your own attention to a distracting, pleasant and positive thought, such as great literature, steamy poetry, sensuous music or even an appealing movie (such as the XXX ones from or the instructional erotica titles from, you can actually increase your chances for orgasm. Now, r-e-l-a-x, feel the good sensations and enjoy the bliss of it all.

Talk about this workshop with other iVillagers on the Ask the Sex Coach message board now!

 the secret of arousal
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