The Secret of Sexual Arousal

Step 5: Relax -- and Reach the Big O!

Orgasm is one of the mysteries of life. As the French put it, it's that time when you experience "le petit mort," or the little death. Yes, at the point of orgasm there is a moment when you are in a state of suspended animation, neither here nor there, just being and letting go.

If there is one block that women report to me, it's their fear of letting go or losing control. If that sounds like you, you may squirm at the thought of being seen by your partner in the throes of your orgasm. You may also feel a lack of inner trust. Take a few moments before sex to tell your partner about your fear of letting go. Set aside 10 minutes, equally divided, so that each of you can talk while the other carefully listens. You will find that this method allows you to safely express your deepest thoughts and feelings to your beloved and to listen to his.

Often, that expected moment of orgasmic release turns into an inability to pop. In her new book Women's Sexualities, Carol Ellison, Ph.D., writes that according to her extensive research tracking the sexuality of 2,471 American women, 38 percent have never had an orgasm and one out of four women had difficulty reaching orgasm during partnered sex during the prior year. So, if reaching an orgasm is not easy for you, you are in a large circle shared by many women. One trick you can use to keep aroused in the pre-orgasmic phase and move closer toward climax is to increase sensation and stimulation (see step 4 for more on this).

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