Just because you're tired, bloated or having a horrendous
fat day (we've all been there), that doesn't mean it has to be a
no-sex night! No matter the reason, it's easy to work around these common lust-busters — if you know the right moan-inducing moves. Just follow my intimate instructions for any of the problems below, and you'll be basking in the afterglow in no time.
Watch Video: Body Issues
You're having a fat day
What you want: To hide bulges, keep yourself semicovered — and ideally keep his hands far from your tummy and other no-go zones.
Intimate instructions: There are alternatives to keeping your T-shirt on and settling for (yawn) missionary. Rear-entry positions are the most flattering. Kneel facing away from him, lean down to rest your weight on your forearms (read: tummy hidden) and push your bottom tantalizingly high in the air in his direction. Not only does it give him a visual treat, the angle and position makes your waist look tiny and your thighs slim and taut — without you having to launch into that whiny "Don't look at me!" girly stuff. Put his hands on your hips to hold you steady while he thrusts, and you've also solved the wandering hands problem.
Sneaky tricks: If he wants the lights on, place glass-encased candles on the floor or simply plunk the bedside light down there. Lighting from below is far more flattering. Or play a game using a flashlight. Make the room as black as possible so there's complete darkness, then use the flashlight to highlight favorite parts of each other's body. It's complimentary, plus, because only one section at a time is being lit, it's less intrusive. Another good fat-day trick: Blindfold him and let it all hang out.
A new angle: If you do opt for missionary, make a pudgy upper midriff look sexier by stretching your arms up over your head and grabbing onto the bedposts or by placing them flat on the wall behind the bed. Better still, get him to pin you there. It's supersexy for him — he's in control and you're completely submissive. Plus, it works a treat to make tummies look flat and breasts appear perky!
What you want: A zero-effort session where he won't notice if you nod off during the boring bits — plus speedy orgasms so you're spooning (and snoring) in no time.
Intimate instructions: Chances are you're already lying on your side, your back to his front (eyes determinedly shut despite his penis prodding you in the back), so this really is lazy-girl sex. Just lift your bottom to allow him to penetrate, and tighten your thighs for maximum friction while his hands reach around to stimulate your clitoris. To speed him up, make lots of satisfied groans and moans.
Sneaky tricks: If you're half asleep, your sexual system probably is too, so help it along by using lubricant. Save even more energy by ditching the usual in-out thrusting motion, and instead clench one buttock cheek at a time to rock you from side to side.
A new angle: If you can bear to get out of bed or are already snuggled up in front of the telly, have armchair sex instead. You sit on his lap, facing him, in a crouched position. Place your feet flat on the seat beside his thighs while he holds you by the waist and lifts you up and down. If you really want to be self-indulgent, tell him it's "your turn" (promise he can be completely spoiled next time): Settle yourself into that swivel chair in the study for a blissful oral sex session.
You've got your period
What you want: A position that doesn't bump or display a bloated, tender tummy — and doesn't involve washing the sheets afterward. Interestingly, while some women want nothing more than rest and an electric blanket, lots of women are turned on more during their period than any other time of the month. Here's another incentive to get over any squeamishness: An orgasm often alleviates cramps.
Intimate instructions: The shower is an obvious choice. Aside from the built-in cleanup, warm water running over your abdomen is soothing. True, it does look marvelously sexy to let water stream over those cheekbones (not to mention brave, since that's your makeup disappearing down the drain). But your best bet is to face away from the water, because you move your head more than you think during sex, and water shooting up your nose is not hot. Try putting your hands on the shower wall for balance, and let him enter from behind as you stand on tiptoes and push your bottom up and outward. Alternatively, put your back against the shower wall and lift one leg as high as you can, resting your calf against the side of his shoulder. He holds your thigh and under your bottom to support you.
Sneaky tricks: By choosing a position where you're in charge of the pace, rhythm and depth of penetration — him behind or you on top — sensitive cervixes and sore middles can be accommodated. Another good option that saves the bedding: Do it in the kitchen. Those easy-to-clean surfaces are there for a reason! Hop on the counter while he stands in front of you and penetrates. Then either wrap your legs around his waist or put them on chairs or stools for leverage and stability. Be warned, though: The angle is deep. It'll either hurt a little (just tilt your bottom back to keep the thrusting more shallow), or he'll hit your G-spot (which you probably won't complain about).
A new angle: If it seems like a great idea but the thrusting hurts, have him withdraw, and then rub the head of his penis against your clitoris until you orgasm. Finish him off with your hand or mouth.
You're taking ages to orgasm
What you want: An orgasm... now. As exquisite as it might feel hovering at that I-think-I'm-about-to-but-then-again-maybe-not stage, getting stuck there is no fun.
Intimate instructions: Because you're probably desensitized and in need of a jolt to push you over the edge, the trick is to switch stimulation. If you're into anal stimulation, a well-lubricated finger could do the trick. If that's not your cup of tea, try the old "fake it till you make it" method. Pretend you're going into the throes of orgasm (clench your bottom and thighs and moan), and you may trick your body by providing all the triggers it associates with actual orgasm. Not working? Change position. Get him to lie on his back, legs stretched out and together, then climb on top so you have complete control. Put your knees on either side of his chest, let him penetrate and, leaning forward, move your hips so your clitoris is making small circles against his pubic bone. Still not working? Move yourself upward — if his penis isn't doing it for you, his tongue might!
Sneaky tricks: Make it a threesome — reach down, open your bedside drawer and get out your vibrator. If you're worried he'll feel left out, switch to a rear-entry position while one of you holds the toy firmly on the fleshy bit directly above your clitoris.
A new angle: If a clitoral orgasm won't work, perhaps a G-spot orgasm will. While the jury is still out on whether the G-spot even exists, the whole front vaginal wall is supersensitive. You on top or him from behind will give him a direct shot. If you suddenly think, Omigod, I have to pee, you're on target. Stick with it, and the sensation will pass, giving way to a G-spot orgasm. They feel totally different than clitoral ones, and I'm not sure I like them — but you might!
You've both had too much to drink
What you want: A way to make the most of the alcohol-induced total lack of inhibition without landing in jail (and help with a wonky erection would also be nice).
Intimate instructions: Make out all you like, but don't consummate anything in the elevator on the way up to your apartment — Mrs. Brown in 12B will be so not impressed. Instead, do it the second you're through the front door. Don't remove your clothes; just unzip and pull your panties to one side. Having sex while fully clothed feels lustily risqué (you just can't wait!). Let him slam you up against the hallway wall with your legs spread, then lift one and turn it sideways so he can penetrate. He puts his hand under your thigh for support; you put your arms around his neck for balance. Another way to be naughty but not too risky is to do it in front of a window with the lights off. You can see everyone else walking past and watching telly in other windows, so it feels like you're having sex in front of them — but they can't see you.
Sneaky tricks: If you can feel his erection depleting, get into a position where he's on top. Gravity will work in his favor, keeping all the blood in his penis rather than draining out of it. Don't panic if he's too limp for intercourse, and resist the urge to dive down and desperately perform the kiss of life. I'd avoid his penis entirely until he seems relaxed and just sneak a peek occasionally to see if anything's happening. If nothing is, tell him you don't need an erect penis to have a good time in bed; his tongue and fingers will do just fine, thank you.
A new angle: Some men go the opposite way and orgasm too quickly when they've had a few drinks — particularly if you're up to raunchier stuff than usual. If you're (rather optimistically) aiming for a simultaneous orgasm — rarer than you think — watch for the three surefire signs that he's about to explode: His penis swells one final time, his testicles rise tightly and pull up toward his body and the speed and depth of his thrusting increase.