Sex Takes Too Long

Dear Dr. Patti:

Is there anything I can do to orgasm more quickly? I need at least 45 minutes to an hour of constant, consistent clitoral stimulation before reaching orgasm. (This doesn't include other foreplay.) Because of this long time period, my partner rarely tries to give me an orgasm and I really can't blame him. Even with a vibrator it takes this long. Is there anything I can do? --L


Dear L:

Hmmm... is my first response. I often work with women who are unable or slow to release their orgasmic buildup, and often there is an underlying theme. Ask yourself, am I holding myself back for a reason? Am I scared to be out of control? Am I worried about how I look? What might happen if I really let go? What occurs to me is that perhaps you are trying too hard.

Be sure that you are able to produce an orgasm without a partner before trying with one. That's the M-word. Yes, masturbation is the basis for all shared orgasmic activity. Once you know exactly how your own sexual pattern works, then you can guide a sex buddy to do what you need.

Now, I want you to put that vibrator away for a while, if it's the kind that is like a back massage wand. Sometimes women report that they use a hard, strong pulsating vibrator to get off; then when a poor, humble human hand, tongue or other object tries to simulate that B-52 bomber blasting off, he's (or she's) helpless to do so. Get the point? Maybe you have conditioned your clitoral region to expect a volcanic eruption when it really only needs a hiccup.

I suggest that you use a dildo or vibrating object inside your vagina when he is pleasuring you on the clitoris. Also, pushing against the G-spot or inside the anus can add intensified stimulation to get you going.

Foremost, however, know that if you are trying to get an orgasm that you are actually hindering it from occurring on its own. And some women really need to take more time, not follow some prescription for how much time is enough... you may climax at 20 seconds, 20 minutes or two hours. Your pattern is yours alone. And, let your honey know that it's your responsibility (not his!) to get you to that orgasmic bliss. So play at it as a team, take the pressure off both of you and start enjoying the essence of your touching each other, sharing skin and breath and words, and fantasizing about all the wonderful years you two have ahead of you in passionate sharing. Then, let me know how you are.

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