Sexual Fantasies: Are they normal?

ON Jan 1, 1999 at 12:00PM

chime in now

Dear Dr. Patti:

Is it abnormal to fantasize about my husband's brothers when I'm having sex with him? I did this the other night and it brought me to climax, but then I felt bad about what I had done. What is the right thing to do? --R

Question:

Dear R:

You are either skating on the river of your own delight or heading for thin ice. Only your desires and time can tell. It is common for both men and women to fantasize during sex -- in fact, according to recent studies, 60 percent to 90 percent of us do. But what concerns me about your situation is that this is in your family system, not some distant idea or the fancy to have wild, passionate sex with Tom Cruise. Although fantasy is a healthy and even important part of lovemaking, whether in the form of remembrances, future ideals or fleeting responses to daily stimuli, it should not be the precursor to behavior. Fantasy belongs as picture stories for the mind, not a road map for your next action in the real world.

Given that you are having thoughts of your husband's brothers in your own bed, perhaps this is a wonderful part of your sexual practice that actually enhances the good times for you and your partner. If that's the beginning and end of it, then you can put aside your guilt and enjoy the experience. If, on the other hand, this is something that gnaws at you at other moments, such as at family events or while you are doing the dishes, then you have a problem. One idea is to debunk the fantasy part by seeing his brothers as real people, with real flaws. Notice their belching after dinner at a family gathering or their sloppy dressing or their unkempt beards. Find the aspects of these men that make them more real and less idealized fantasy men.

If thoughts about his brothers persist and continue to evoke your arousal, and you want to keep this marriage alive, then I suggest you seek counseling to alleviate your longings. That type of desire will only result in damaging the relationship with the brother that you truly love, the one you married.

Answer:
Chime In
Chime in now!
    More to Explore
    I can't get rid of my belly pooch. What can I do? - iVillage When you do an abdominal crunch, you'll notice what looks like a small football (actually soft tissue and fat) protruding from your belly. If this is the case with you ... MORE
    Is the New Obesity Scale Better than BMI? - iVillage BAI estimates one's body fatness via two measurements: height and hip circumference -- meaning, you may never have to step foot on a scale again. MORE
    Has Plus-Size Model Crystal Renn Lost Weight? - iVillage And if so, should we be angry at the loss of a body image ... First, I have a 38 to 39 inch hip measurement. I wear a ... might be concerned about is if the recent weight loss ... MORE
    Fertility Signs MORE
    Low platelet count: What does this mean? The term to describe low platelet count is 'thrombocytopenia,' and this could be a preexisting problem or one induced by the pregnancy. There is a normal moderate decrease in platelets during pregnancy but whenever the count falls below 150, MORE
    Dosage: Conversion table There are so many ways to measure medications you would think conversion tables would be rather common. And yet, this obvious need identified by parents is not so obvious to the physicians that prescribe the medications. Liquid medications are commonl MORE
    More Q&As

    See All Q&As

    Advertisement
    Care Circle

    It Seems That You Are Not Logged In...

    OR

    Join Now

    Welcome to Care Circle, an exclusive tool to help you take care of yourself and your loved ones. Here's how it works:

    1. Create profiles for yourself and your loved ones.
    2. Select the topics and conditions that interest each of you.
    3. Get customized news updates, original content, tools, and expert advice for each Care Circle member delivered directly to your personalized homepage.

    The information you input is strictly private; you choose who has access to your Care Circle.

    How do I add myself or someone else to my care circle?

    Click on "Add someone." Fill out the short profile. Choose an avatar. Select the topics and conditions that interest this person from the pulldown menu. You can select as many as you want, but you must choose at least one. Click on "Add Someone" again. You should start getting updates immediately.

    How do I save content to my Care Circle?

    Click on "Manage My Care Circle." Select the tab of the person for whom you're saving content. Put your cursor over the piece of content that you want to save; a disk icon will appear in the righthand corner. Click on the disk and the piece of content will be moved to a save folder.

    How do I add additional topics and conditions for someone in my Care Circle?

    Click on "Manage My Care Circle." Select the tab for the person whose preferences you'd like to update. Under "Add More to Follow," select additional topics and conditions.

    How do I delete topics and conditions for someone in my Care Circle?

    Click on "Manage My Care Circle." Select the tab for the person whose preferences you'd like to update. Under "Follows," scroll over the topic or condition you want to delete. An "X" should appear on the righthand side. Click on the "X" and the topic or condition will be deleted from the list.

    See All News

    Advertisement