Sexy Stallion: Getting Over His Wild Past

Dear Dr. Patti:

I am married now, and I still cannot get over my husband's wild sexual past. It hurts when I think of it, and I feel it keeps him from connecting with me.

R

Question:

Dear R:

The real issue is not his past but your concept of that time period in his life and the possible impact it made on his sexual tastes and expectations. My advice is to try to stop thinking about your husband's past and focus on your husband's present, which is about you.

I imagine that he may be pressuring you to do things that are uncomfortable for you to consider. Perhaps he is telling you to be more like the others he once indulged. Truth is, this is now, that was then, and it's time to get on with it.

I suggest that you become clear about what really happened, with his honest input. Then talk to him, openly and frankly, about what that means to you -- and to him -- today. If his former lovers were truly memorable or had a positive impact on his sexual experiences, then learn from those past indiscretions through his telling the sordid tales. If, on the other hand, his sexcapades of the past hurt your image of what sex should be, then say so.

Your body and your sexuality belong to you, no one else. If he continues to bring up past women or memories, ask him to stop. Focus as a couple on your time together now. Find some new fun -- perhaps wild adventures to talk about as fantasy, or create some new ones in the present. For example, you might want to find appropriate attire and play the role of a seductress. He might want to rent a pirate costume and rescue you from attackers. There are literally endless scenes that you two can explore. Look at him as your ally, not your enemy. Enlist him in helping the two of you to find a rekindling of your unique spark. If his allusions about others in his history persist and it pushes you away from sexual intimacy, then you will have to have another look at your reasons for staying with him.

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