Shelf Help: Why Diet Pepsi's New "Skinny" Can Is Absurd

The company kisses fat days goodbye with a slimmer, "more confident" new design

Ever find yourself sipping a cold Diet Pepsi and wondering aloud, “You know, I wish I could lose enough weight to resemble this can?” Well, the good people of PepsiCo have heard your cries for help! In celebration of "beautiful, confident women" everywhere, Diet Pepsi just debuted a “taller, sassier new Skinny Can” at New York's Fall 2011 Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week. 

"Our slim, attractive, new can is the perfect complement to today's most stylish looks,” says PepsiCo Chief Marketing Officer Jill Beraud, “and we're excited to throw its coming-out party during the biggest celebration of innovative design in the world."

Much like Starbuck's Skinny Lattes or Virginia Slims cigarettes were created to appeal to women’s weight obsessions, the new Diet Pepsi can equates thinness with confidence, and operates on the assumption that all women aspire to the same physical ideal; a tubular, straight up-and-down body with a flat stomach and no hips. The designers seem to have forgotten how we all clamour for gigantic breasts, but I’m assuming a top-heavy can would spill too easily, especially as it gets jostled by the Stairmasters we’re perpetually pounding away on.

Does PepsiCo even see the irony of debuting their new can at Fashion Week, among throngs of models rumored to subsist on nothing more than diet soda, champagne and cigarettes? (Actually, this would be the perfect “official” beverage for Ralph Lauren's photo-shopping department.) And while the “ideal” body at the nation’s largest fashion extravaganza may, in fact, resemble a praying mantis-coat hanger hybrid, many women are happy to roam the planet with, you know, a functioning pelvis.

Outside of Fashion Week, PepsiCo will continue “to celebrate beautiful, confident women” by outfitting 10 hip fashion boutiques in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco and Miami, including Fred Segal and the Kardashians' Dash, with custom "Skinny Can Fridges…so thirsty fashionistas will get a complimentary Diet Pepsi Skinny Can while they shop.” Thanks, but while shopping in stores where I can’t even fit a Size 12 skinny jean over my cankles, my beverage of choice is a shot of tequila.

The new can won’t be available nationwide until March. So, until your liquid thinspiration arrives on your local grocery store shelves, here are a few products I suggest you avoid, for fear their malformed shape will rub off on your own:

Mrs. Butterworth Maple Syrup: Talk about food for thought: If Mrs. B were an actual woman, her measurements would be 42-38-66!

Sue-Bee Honey: Sorry, bear, but you are a chubby, hot mess. And you leave people with sticky fingers. We’re better off sweetening our tea with Splenda – have you seen how slim those packets are? They practically disappear when they turn sideways, like Victoria Beckham. Jackpot!

Milk: You call this a jug? No. These are jugs. Get with the program, dairy industry!

Juice boxes: Do we really want the younger generation maturing into a bunch of waistless, thick-midsectioned monsters?

What are your thoughts?
Will you purchase the new, skinnier Diet Pepsi? Chime in below!

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