Should I try to help him overcome his problems?
Dear Sherry:
I'm 29, single, stable and happy with life and my career at this stage. I've been dating this guy who's 34, single, smart and cute. We've dated before, but it wasn't serious and it didn't work out. I think it's better the second time around, except that the more I know him, the more I'm troubled about a lot of things about him. He's a loner to the point of being antisocial; I love being with friends. He's estranged from his family; my Mom and Dad are my best friends. He's played around and slept with many women, smokes and drinks a lot and has done drugs in the past. I'm pretty straight to the point of being boring to people like him. I love talking to the guy and being with him, but I've held back a lot because I don't think I can put up with his vices and angst. And I haven't been seeing him lately. Am I doing the right thing? Or should I give it more time to see if he can be the better man that he's striving for?
Jackie
Sherry Amatenstein
Sherry is the author of The Q&A Dating Book and Love Lessons from Bad Breakups. She has taught dating seminars, appeared as an expert... Read more
Dear Jackie:
You sound like a young woman who truly knows herself and her needs and won't settle for less than she deserves. That is obviously admirable. If you could bottle and sell your self-confident determination, you'd make a fortune!
However, I'd like you to bear in mind that some people first have to struggle, experiment and fail (sometimes a lot) before virtuously embarking on that straight and narrow path. It sounds like your friend is trying to be a better person, one better suited to accompanying you on that path. And that's admirable, too. Learning from mistakes is, after all, the American way.
Now, on to my concerns: Cigarette smoking may be vile, but my real concern is, how much does he drink? A cocktail with dinner is one thing; being umbilically attached to a beer bottle is something else again. That he's a loner and you're Ms. Social Butterfly is fine, if you can compromise on your different tendencies; if he HATES being around people, well, that's another story. Finally, exactly why is he estranged from his parents, and has that estrangement led him to be wary of forming attachments, or more eager to be part of a family unit?
So, should you cut your losses and move on? I'd first have a "clearing the air" conversation. Determine whether your long-term goals and values mostly mesh with his, and whether the lifestyle changes he's making are an earnest attempt to clean up his act, or just an act put on to impress you till he feels secure that you're hooked. Remember, nobody is perfect, and everybody deserves a fair trial before judgment is passed.
Best of luck.
