Here's How Doping Actually Turns You Into a Jerk

Besides being dishonest, there are more reasons doping athletes deserve the title of 'big dumb jock'

It appears that Lance Armstrong is finally coming clean -- the fallen superstar cyclist confessed to doping during an interview taped on Monday with the talk-show queen.

In light of Armstrong’s being stripped of his seven Tour de France titles, and the historic decision to shut out this year's nominees from the baseball Hall of Fame because of their own doping controversies, it’s clear that performance-enhancing drugs are not much of a boon to one’s professional life, after all. Those silly jocks must be kicking themselves pretty hard right now for making such a stupid, life-altering decision.

Besides the embarrassment and shame of being revealed as a fraud, here are a few other side effects of performance-enhancing drugs that make dopers world-class dummies.

You can’t get it up. To some dudes, steroids may seem like a perfectly good way to boost their manly quotient. Maybe you can pedal harder or hit more home runs, but you certainly won’t be scoring with the ladies. Anabolic agents are anything but performance enhancers in the bedroom. They shrink a guy’s testicles and lead to impotence, which, in our playbook, is immediate cause for dismissal.

You’re a boob...literally. When a guy grows breasts bigger than our own, it's deal breaker. If you want to sport a C-cup for the rest of your life, have at it. We’ll even give you all of our old bras. But don’t expect us to be a guest at that party.

You’re armed and dangerous. Just because a woman likes bad boys doesn't mean she wants to date the Incredible Hulk. 'Roid rage' -- a psychotic response characterized by uncontrolled outbursts of anger, frustration or combativeness seen in those who abuse anabolic steroids -- is not an attractive. Actually, it's downright scary! We don’t care how many pounds you can dead lift if we could end up like Chris Benoit’s wife and kids.

You’re a big, fat (albeit diesel) liar. There is something we can agree on, Lance: You’re right. It’s not about the bike. It’s about all that high-and-mighty indignation that you sputtered when you were accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. You put your cancer charity in jeopardy, you cheapened your own struggle with death and you disillusioned the next generation of starry-eyed athletes who read your book and thought, “All it takes is willpower and a dream.” Maybe you could have inspired the world just as much without using all of those drugs, but now we'll never know.

So if killing your love life, your career, your reputation, and possibly another human being, aren't deterrent enough, how about this: Performance-enhancing drugs can make you drop dead before your time. But if you think beating an honest athlete is worth more than your life, well, then, we guess you are a world-class dummy. Welcome to its Hall of Fame!

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