An Open Letter To The Couple Sitting Behind Me At The Movies Last Night

Hi there. First off, let me start by saying how utterly adorable you were with your snuggles and your giggles and your little whispers of nothing. You looked such the picture of new, young love--complete comfort without the complacency that familiarity often breeds--that you warmed the cockles of my cold, dead heart.

And then proceeded to fan that spark into a towering inferno of annoyance.

Look, I'll lay it out for you. Unlike you, I was not at the cheap theatre catching the 9:00 showing of Pirates of the Caribbean 3 because I had nothing better to do on a Saturday night. Ok, sure, Facebook Guy was cryptic and ambiguous when faced with the possibility of making plans, leading me to decide that an actual date with myself was preferable to a psuedodate with him, but that's not the point here. The point is, it took me four months for the planets to align and time and space to fold in on themselves in such a way that sitting in the theatre ogling Johnny Depp as a sexually ambiguous yet still shower nozzle worthy pirate was actually an option for me. And then you two decided that you were bored, and hey, why not go to the movies? After all, the cheap theatre is only $3 now. You can't rent a new release for that!

What I'm trying to say here is that I did not pay that teenager thirty bucks for the privilege of sitting in your livingroom.

You're into each other. I get it. You're interested in what each other thinks and feels and that's great. And really, it's lovely that you want to make sure that neither of you misses anything of importance while taking their turn to gaze adoringly at the other. The running commentary you've mastered to avoid this pitfall is really quite convenient. For you. For those of us who don't suffer from similar distractions, however, it's a wee bit irritating to be subject to the SAP setting. Especially when we've shelled out thirty bucks (plus pop, chips and pizza) for the opportunity to pay full snackbar prices at the $3 theatre to see a movie that will probably be out on DVD by the end of the month.

For you, this was just another Saturday night. But for me, this was Saturday Night. Next time, please be aware of the distinction and plan your evening accordingly.

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