Skimpy eyelashes; snarky commentary

My biofeedback doc’s office is located, quite coincidentally, next to a plastic surgeon’s office. This surgeon has a huge flat-screen TV in the waiting room which can be seen through the glass doors, and images touting his various services flash across it. Every week, as I ride the escalator high up in the sky on my way Dr. Feel Good, I find myself wondering, “What Godforsaken image will confront me as the doors part? Will it be a gigantic, bushy, hairy man chest? (“Before laser hair removal”) Or a woman’s lumpy rear, suddenly smoother from lipo magic? Or maybe a three-foot-wide zit in high def, screaming out for topical retinoids."

Yesterday, it was an ad for LATISSE™. Sounds feminine and artsy and beautiful, don’t it? LATISSE™ solution is a prescription treatment for hypotrichosis used to grow eyelashes, making them longer, thicker and darker.

I know what you’re thinking: “Ah, yes, LATISSE, also known as bimatoprost ophthalmic solution 0.03%. Tell me more about this new product.” OK! LATISSE is a prescription topical treatment for hypotrichosis. You merely apply it once a day to treat the issue, with maximum results being achieved in anywhere from four to 16 weeks.

Oh, wait. You don’t know what hypotrichosis is?

Why, hypotrichosis is the medical name for the deplorable condition of having "inadequate or not enough eyelashes."

Duh.

That’s right, not only are your abs too doughy and your boobs too saggy and your shnoz too crooked and your wrinkles too emotive, but your eyelashes are too anemic.

So I’m standing outside the glass doors like a hungry little girl staring through a bakery window, because I’m early and have already read all the magazines in my guy’s waiting room, when a man walks towards me from down the hall. He’s dressed nicely, slicked-back hair, smiles at me. I smile back. He says, “Hi.” I say, “Hi.” And he’s waiting for the elevator, which is right next to me, and it’s quiet which never suits me well so I feel the need to say, “I’m just learning about how I can make my eyelashes even THICKER and LUSHER than they already are!” in a very faux-enthusiastic tone. And he gets this weird look on his face and says, “My fiancee just started using that. It’s working pretty well.”

Ah, yes.

Of course he’s the plastic surgeon.

And of course I just openly mocked his product to his face.

And of course his fiancée is using LATISSE.

This, my friends, is where snarkiness goes wrong…though secretly I don’t really care and actually think it’s pretty funny.

*PS Yes, some people do suffer from medical conditions that makes their eyelashes fall out and actually need a product like this. To those ladies I say, Wand on.

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