It’s that time of the week again! People dance! People cry! People woo!
…or maybe that’s just Mary.
Whatever.
With a cast like this, who wouldn’t want a piece of the action? It’s totally America’s Next Top Model, except with dancing! And men! And national voting! And more than 300 calories per day!
We were greeted by more sparkles and door-knocker earrings, as per usual. Come on, get it together, Deeley! Bobby Trendy wouldn’t even be caught dead wearing that!
This week’s judges were Mia, Mary and Nigel, also known as Punch-Drunk, Woo and Buzzkill. Good thing Deadweight Dan wasn’t a judge again, otherwise I’d already be in the asylum, curled in fetal position and repeating, “Dan must be stopped! I must make him stop!”
No doubt it was going to be a rollicking good time on American Idol So You Think You Can Dance!
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Neil and Lauren started off the night with a hip-hop routine by Stomp the Yard choreographer Dave Scott. They had a really great song by Timbaland called "The Way I Are" so that was all fine and dandy.
Here’s where I took issue; first off, costuming. Lauren, honey, even Madonna in her "Lucky Star" phase wouldn’t be caught dead in your tulle 80’s prom/referee ensemble. Paging William Sledd, come in William Sledd! Even American Apparel buyers are gagging! The only reason an ensemble like that is ever acceptable is if you were protecting yourself from Neil -- not that there’s really a need to be concerned there.
Neil, babycakes, you have to at least pseudo-dance with your partner. I'm not sure what the problem is -- does she have gnarly B.O.? You did some stunts and all but what you really need to do is just do a floor routine already, gymnast! Gymnast! GYMNAST! The high point of the choreography was when Lauren pretended to kick Neil in the face; for various reasons, I couldn’t have agreed more.
The Verdict:
Mia: I could do without Lauren
Mary: Chemistry is just beginning to bud! Finally!
Nigel: “You two set the bar tonight for working out of your style.”
Nigel, that’s the best you could come up with for the first people to go? That’s like saying you found your keys in the last place you looked for them. Well, I certainly hope so; what, would you just keep looking for an hour after you found them? Here’s your sign!
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Jessi’s Soapbox of the Week: No jazz hands?! Say it isn’t so!
Our favorite wet blanket, Jessi, and Nigel’s dancing man-crush, Pasha, were next up with a Tyce Diorio jazz routine. How she even pulls herself out of bed in the morning is beyond me since she makes everything out to be so oppressive toward her. She probably woke up this morning and ONLY the thought of jazz hands could convince her to rise.
This bird/pecking routine reminds me of a less-stellar version of a Heidi and whats-his-name dance from last season. Except Heidi’s and whats-his-name’s was a lot better. And Jessi and Pasha looked like my first-grade art project, and by my first-grade art project, I mean fug.
The Verdict:
Mia: I love birds! (Does she drop acid before every show? Where does she come up with this stuff?)
Mary: Terrific!
Nigel: Team Jessi!
Looks like Nigel and Pasha may have broken up. Shocker! Gosh I hope they get back together in time for prom. It would suck to make the rest of the group be charged extra for the limo.
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Jaimie’s had some interesting experiences on the show, she tells the audience. Last week, she walked Hok like a dog. This week, she gets to slap him around. Call me crazy, but the chick totally digs it; she probably added it as a clause to her contract for each performance. Since the guy is about to do the samba with that random hairdon't, he deserves it. Clause away, Slappy!
Despite their height differences, it's just not as strange as Ricky and Ashlee.
Despite Jaimie meeting her Hok-abuse quota, the samba was pretty flat. Nothing blew you away.
The Verdict:
Mia: “I must’ve drunk love juice before this show because I love it and I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!”
Mary: I’m totally not drinking whatever the hell juice she’s talking about and I don’t even care if it gets me booed because I just thought you could do a billion times better
Nigel: Performance was good, style not so great
Mia, get thee to rehab. When shall we stage the intervention?
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It must suck to grow up and have a completely normal name until, one day, somebody with your exact same name becomes famous. And while she makes no mention of this fact, my heart goes out to this week’s contemporary choreographer, Miss Mandy Moore. The girl probably heard more “Candy” and Zach Braff jokes than anyone else on earth – maybe even Gawker! Kidding ... sort of.
Props to Ms. Moore for deciding to suck it up and choreograph for Sabra and Mr. “Did I really shave my toes for this?” Dominic. The sole noteworthy moment was this horrible Pamchenko-esque throw (my friend Austin commented, “If I executed a throw like that LIKE THAT…yeah I’d just cut it out.”). That makes two of us.
The Verdict:
Mia: “I’m just not seeing it…”
Mary: Loved it!
Nigel: Outstanding!
I wish I’d gotten to see his toes before…on second thought, maybe not. Yick. Man feet. Icky icky poo.
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Faina and Cedric were up next doing the fox trot.
Meh.
Yeah, I’ve got nothing.
The Verdict:
Mia: Needs to be better
Mary: Danny, you’re ruining Faina’s life so get it together!
Nigel: Pick it up, Danny, before I ninja star your sorry butt! Rawrr!
Oh snap, Danny’s blacklisted. They’ll totally be bottom three. Again.
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Lacey and Kameron were given a Broadway routine and were so, like, totally excited! Like OMG, BROADWAY! After what transpired last week from their contemporary routine, we were all on the edge of our seats to see what would happen.
Sadly, the choreographer decided that Lacey should transform into…words escape me. Something involving dyeing her skin orange and the usual obligatory sparkles. Poor Lacey and Kameron -- they wanted spirit fingers and they got Chicago. S.T.B.Y.
The Verdict:
Mia: I needed more…
Mary: Loved it
Nigel: Pretty good
As the judges were commented on Lacey, how classic was it when Kameron got a little overzealous and kind of grabbed at her mid-section and Lacey swatted him away with a nasty look as if to say, “Not on your life, Bucky!” Ah, drah-ma! Loves it!
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I won’t lie; as soon as Danny and Anya drew the Viennese Waltz, I yelled, “Helloooooooooo bottom three!”
The waltz/fox trot/tango/disco are kisses of death. It’s fallen to the choreographers to pick up the slack and try and make them exciting, but as they remove the dancers further from the styles and incorporate modern music to try and win over the callers’ votes, they lose the judges endorsing the routine.
Never thought I’d say this, but this routine was my favorite of the night! They did an amazing spin/trust move that was unlike anything I’d ever seen, but it was so beautiful.
The Verdict:
Mia: Stunning! She’s a true lady!
Mary: Loved it!
Nigel: Beautiful! Routine of the night!
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Next up were Shauna, sans potato sack, and Jimmy.
The two had a hip-hop routine that was very energetic. Jimmy predictably outperformed Shauna. She gets tired halfway through and you can kind of tell. But no matter, it was decent enough.
The Verdict:
Mia: Yay!
Mary: You stepped it up!
Nigel: Fun! Jimmy’s better than Shauna!
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Finally came Sara and Jesus. Last week’s incredible routine pretty much guaranteed that this week they’d be screwed, especially since Wade and Shane were MIA.
Sara and Jesus performed the paso doble. Really, that’s all I have to say about it. It. Was. Just. There.
High point: when Austin turned to me and asked, “Did she just punch him in the face?”
Whether she did or didn't, way to up the entertainment factor there, kids!
The Verdict:
Mia: Awkward, music fought the choreography
Mary: Agreed with Mia
Nigel: Your music was el mucho sucko
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So now we're totally on the same page for tonight's episode.
What will transpire? Will Kameron continue his fruitless pursuit of Lacey? Will Dominic continue to man-scape? Will Mia please rejoin the earthlings?!
Who’s staying and who's leaving?
