30 Days of Great Sex

Step 4: Talk About Sex

Here's a tip for how to do this exercise successfully: Speak from the personal, forming statements or questions that begin with the word "I." For example, if you are tired of not getting the kind of attention you desire before sleep, instead of saying, "You never touch me anymore," why not say, "Honey, you know, I'd really like it if you would touch me like you used to. Could you just give me a backrub for a few minutes while we lie close?" That way, he doesn't feel the stinging arrows from one of the three killers of intimate talk (blaming, complaining and explaining) that usually succeed in pushing away the one you love.

Now let's get to another aspect of sexual communication. If you are like thousands of women (and some men), the sheer act of "talking dirty" may send you screaming into the night. I have coached many women to say sexy words and to feel confident and sexy when they say them. Practicing alone in front of a mirror is a good way to grow comfortable before you utter such things to your lover. This week, focus on what you say and how you say it. Say aloud (about ten times) those words that make you queasy, and you will discover how they lose their negative spin over time. Watch adult movies or listen to erotic stories on tape for some excellent examples. I like a series edited by Susie Bright called Herotica, which is available at www.goodvibes.com. It's also available in book form if you want to share a stimulating bedtime story with your partner!

Share your experiences with other iVillagers in the Ask the Sex Coach discussion group!

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