Stuck on a Married Man

ON Jan 1, 1999 at 12:00PM

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Dear Sherry,

It's the oldest, saddest story in the world: I'm in love with a married man. I've been seeing him for ‑- God, this is embarrassing to admit! ‑- five years. And he no longer even lies to me that he's going to leave his wife one day when the kids are grown. Since I have so much free time on my hands (he can only see me Tuesday and Thursday nights), I figured it wouldn't kill me to start dating again. As you can tell, my heart isn't in it. I still love the creep! Any advice?

J.G.

Question:
ABOUT THE EXPERT

Sherry Amatenstein

Sherry is the author of The Q&A Dating Book and Love Lessons from Bad Breakups. She has taught dating seminars, appeared as an expert... Read more

Listen up: Get unstuck. Fast! Think about what you would tell a friend who was stuck in your pathetic situation (I'm not telling you anything you don't know, so I don't need to tread lightly here). Then recite your advice into a pocket tape recorder, so you can play it over and over to yourself like a mantra.

If this droning repetition doesn't have the desired brainwashing effect, never fear: I've got a few more tricks up my sleeve. Close your eyes and "time-travel" to two years from today. You're still seeing this guy Tuesday and Thursday nights, spending the rest of the week doing laundry, raging at the walls, crying, "If only I'd have broken up with the jerk five years ago, I'd have had a life by now!"

Or, start thinking of his wife as a person with frailties and feelings just like you, instead of solely as an obstacle to getting what you want. Honey, he's with her because he wants to be with her, no matter what he tells you, and it sounds like you're starting to recognize this rock-hard fact.

Your plan to start dating, while admirable, won't work if it's an interim plan ‑- marking time till your married man can be with you. You've got to KO this dead-end relationship before it eats deeper into your soul. Then, once you've stopped grieving for the loss of your love (and the loss of a dream), you'll be emotionally free to get out there and find a guy who's free to hold you and love you seven nights a week.

Sherry

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