Surviving Divorce -- and Making Your Life Better Than Ever

Step 4: Self Love: Recognizing Your Worth

The process of healing is never easy, but if you've made it this far, you're on the right track. We have covered facing your fears and allowing change to happen. The focus of this lesson is even more personal: identifying and reclaiming the unique and wonderful gifts that you brought to your marriage. In order to use your divorce for understanding more about yourself, it's essential that you make this connection.

Why We Love the People We Do

It starts with our own gifts and what we bring to a relationship. Just as we project negative aspects of ourselves onto our partners, we also project our light. When most of us fall in love, it is because we are seeing our disowned light in someone else. We see in our mates a part of ourselves that is hidden, and we're attracted to them because we believe that they will make us whole.

For example, when I met my husband, I was excited by his brilliant mind and the way he articulated his thoughts. Eventually I figured out that I had projected my own brilliance onto Dan because I had always had issues about not being smart enough. So of course I had been attracted to a man who went to an Ivy League school, was highly credentialed and had attained many academic awards. What I needed to realize was that I was blessed not with Dan's kind of brilliance but with my own kind. Dan was school-smart, and I was street-smart. Both are highly valuable traits. In order for me to move on from my divorce, I needed to reclaim the brilliance I had transferred onto Dan and recognize my own intellectual gifts. After taking back my projections, I could once again see how much I have to offer.

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