Survivor is back and in HD, all the better to see the many shots of random hippos with! 18 contestants are divided into two teams based on the age-old schoolyard pick method, then sent on a race for the individual immunity idol. But this time there's a catch: not only does the end of the race have the idol, but there's also a bag of corn and beans in it for the first team to get all members across. So players have to decide whether they want to work together and not go for the idol or be selfish and race for immunity.
Crystal, who won an Olympic gold medal four years ago for running, sucks out loud in the race, as does her team, Fang (pronounced Fong, or, alternately, Thong), which Probst takes great care to mention over and over again. The teams make their way to their new camps, where they find some cushy accommodations -- ramshackle huts -- and make friends. Except for Michelle, who hates everyone on the Fang tribe because they picked her last and are all "retarded." It's all sunshine and happiness at the other tribe, Kota, where Charlie has fallen in love with Marcus the most perfect man in the world. He's a doctor, he's open-minded, he's fit, he's attractive -- he's perfect! But not for Charlie, because he's straight.
Fang hopes to redeem their first loss at the immunity/fire challenge, but get stuck digging for puzzle pieces while Kota wins another one with the help of Bob the Most Amazing Physics Teacher Ever. At Fang's camp, it looks like the votes will come down to Michelle the Negative Nancy who openly hates everyone or Gillian, who's old. In the end, it's no contest: Michelle is voted out unanimously. And in other news, Probst basically forces the tribe to make GC their new leader. He doesn't want the position, but gives it a try until the next morning when Gillian objects to him washing his clothes in the middle of the night and waking her up. Then he quits as the tribe leader, and no one wants to step up to take his place.
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