Teen Father
We just found out that our son is going to be a father at the age of 17! He and his girlfriend are thinking about keeping the baby and raising it themselves. Are these two crazy? They don't work. They don't drive. I know they aren't thinking clearly.
Last night when we asked how things were going, our son told us, " Don't worry about it. We can handle it. It isn't your problem anyway! It's our decision," to which I said, "What about getting married. Does it bother you that you two aren't married?"
His reply, "No. We can get married later when I'm done with college and I have a good job. I said " College! How are you going to go to college when you're raising a child? How will you pay for it?" His answer was " Oh great! Now you aren't going to pay for anything? Thanks a lot!" and he stormed out. Is this a typical, "manly" response? Bravado to hide fear? We know through his therapist that he is scared to death. Any advice?
We realize how traumatized you and your husband are over this news. That's a feeling you have in common with your son. He, too, is awash in emotions like terror, guilt, etc. It's easy to have every conversation turn into a tantrum. Here's what you need to do:
Give yourself, your husband and your son time to process all of these intense emotions. You're in shock. Realize that the decision here really is your son's and his girlfriend's. The fact that they may be clueless, naive, and totally incapable of understanding parenthood is beside the point. The decision is still theirs, one that will change their lives and one that they'll have to live with forever.
Your most important role is to help them make this decision logically. On page 68 of our book Parenting 911 we deal in detail with a crisis like this. Since they want to raise the child, help them design a concrete plan that covers financial and practical issues. How old is the girl? Who will care for the child while she finishes school? Do they have health insurance coverage? Do they plan to take parenting classes? (An excellent idea to get them to digest what they are taking on.) How will they pay for diapers and other baby consumables?
Separate parenting responsibilities from the other issues such as college. How will becoming a father affect his college plans? Was he planning to go away? Has that changed?
As your son begins to understand the real issues aside from the emotional fallout, he and the girl may consider other options. Help them to understand all of the options. They may decide on an adoption plan. This unplanned pregnancy is a real test of your parenting ability and your love for your son. We support you in rising to the occasion.
Answer:
