Tempted to Cheat on Spouse

Dear Dr. Patti:

I have a very good looking and hot wife. Though I really love her, I am often driven by a strong desire of having sex with other women. This desire has been growing more and more for past few months. I do think these feelings are wrong. What should I do?



Dear L:

Congrats on seeing what a babe your wife is! Good for you for having the courage to own your own eroticism, as well as acknowledging that your lust wants to wander. Some sociobiologists, such as Helen Fisher, write that there's a biologically driven imperative to explore outside the paired bond (marriage, usually with children) after a certain period. That amounts to a four-year itch, one that can cause those urges you feel now to wander with your eyes, your heart and even your groin.

Be forewarned. Following those drives, whether stemming from a social or animalistic tendency, can get you in plenty of hot water. And I don't mean a pleasant hot-tub experience. Think well before you heed the mating calls and leave your roost.

I suggest you discuss this urge with a counselor who can help and guide you to determine the exact triggers within your life at this time. Maybe you and your mate owe it to yourselves to take the bull by the horns and do something about your malaise in your own bedroom. Perhaps you and your wife have fallen into old patterns of same stuff, different day, and it's worn and boring to think about sex with her. You may be going through some form of the midlife crisis and this is your antidote.

Finally, many male clients (and some females) report to me that they feel this sense of longing to go with their erotic flow and try it out with other women (or men). That's often because these people are illusions, fantasies, not the same person who does your laundry and asks you to take out the garbage on Tuesday. So try to rearrange your perceptions of those "other" women, who then could become just another wife some day whom you will long to leave for yet another pursuit of your fancies. Instead, explore ways to find that sexy, alluring and attractive "other" right there in your own back yard.

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