Those L. Goldmans Sure Do Love Their Locker Rooms!

Why are people always trying to steal my thunder?

In Marie Claire magazine, writer Lea Goldman airs her frustrations about those darn naked ladies always walking around her locker room, showing their skin and everything. She begins her essay “Bare Naked Ladies” by recounting a recent moment in her upscale health club where, after deciding to shower post-Spin class, “I caught sight of a doughy naked woman, her nipples the size of salami slices, holding aloft a compact as she carefully plucked her eyebrows. I was so distracted by her brazen nudity — by the boobs, folds, moles, and thatch — that I walked right into an open locker door, prompting the kind of woozy spell that, had I been a cartoon character, would have been accompanied by chirping birds.”

OK, first, to the editors of Marie Claire: Locker Room Diaries has already been written, by another author, last name “Goldman,” first initial “L.” Here I am! Why didn’t you ask me to write this essay? I have ten year’s experience roaming through women’s locker rooms with a pad, pen and mini tape recorder in hand…AND I would’ve written something was less offensive and women-bashing.

This other Goldman needs to get over her issues and accept that women are going to be naked in the locker room. There is nothing wrong with applying lotion or brushing your teeth in the presence of others. And while I agree that it totally grosses me out to see a women “blowdry their girly bits with the communal Conair” (people have done this in my locker room and I Just. Don’t. Get. It.)– the majority of acts she complains about are fairly sanitary and simply seem to cross the line into her own bodily insecurities. It’s just flat-out not nice to call a woman “doughy” or compare her nipples to cured meat products. For many women, the locker room is a safe haven from prying, judgmental eyes. They may feel more comfortable walking naked there than they do in front of their own husbands. We need to support one another and refrain from picking each other’s bodies apart…boobs, folds, moles, thatch and all.
That said, there ARE certain acts that are simply gross and best carried out in the privacy of your own home or when in the presence of a HazMat team. I mean, can you imagine what this author would do if she encountered No Holds Barred Naked Vagina Woman?!

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