A threesome ruined our relationship! Dr. Ruth's advice

My husband and I recently had a threesome '- twice '- with a woman who lives in our neighborhood. The first time, there was no penetration between our friend and my husband. We all had a good time and laughed it off. But we did it again this past weekend, and this time, they did have penetration. At the time, it didn't bother me, but in the morning, I was so confused and upset. I kept worrying that he and this other woman would get closer and I'd be left in the cold '- or that maybe they'd actually had sex together before and I was just blind. I ended up telling my husband lots of stupid things, like I feel that he doesn't care about me enough, that maybe I should go away for a while? Now he and I aren't talking. My friend and I both agree that it should never happen again. But right now, my mind is going bonkers, and I need to get my head on straight. Please give me your advice.

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ABOUT THE EXPERT

Ruth Westheimer

The original sexpert, Dr. Ruth has given advice for more than 20 years. She's hosted television shows including Sexually Speaking with Dr.... Read more

People are always asking me to give them permission to have a threesome or swing or have an open marriage, and my answer is always the same: If you value the relationship, don't do it. People are constantly coming to my office with their relationship in tatters because things went badly. I'm not saying it can never work. Obviously, the people who don't have problems don't go to see a sex therapist. But the dangers are so great that I don't believe it's worth the risk.

If your husband has accepted the fact that these sexual escapades are over, then all it might take to fix this situation is a little time to put the incident aside. Let him know that you're upset and ask him to be extra nice to you for a while. Then see how you feel after a month or so. On the other hand, if he's making a long face about the end of the affair or acting belligerent, then you might need professional intervention in order to save your marriage. That would mean that, by engaging in a threesome, you actually did real harm to the relationship and you might not be able to do the repairs yourselves.

Unfortunately, these situations can't always be fixed. Sometimes the jealousy is so severe that one party can't ever forgive the other. Or one party is loath to spend the rest of his or her life having sex with only one person. The reality is, an ultimate breakup is one of the risks you take when you insert one or more other people into your sex life.

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