While most of the media coverage surrounding the Tiger Woods situation has focused on outing his string of mistresses, many women have watched the story unfold and thought of a friend, a sister or a mother who has been in the same place as Elin Nordegren. We either know firsthand what it's like to be betrayed, or have seen a woman we care about have her world rocked by infidelity. But what is the right reaction when your friend loves—or is married to—someone who treats her badly?
"The best thing you can do is be an emotional support," says Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D., author of The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking.
Although it's tempting to tell your friend what to do, you should only offer your opinion if she asks for it. Make sure your advice is coming from a place of friendship and is not colored by your own bad experiences. It can be tempting to lump all men together, but remember, your friend or relative's situation is complicated, and most likely different from your own in ways you can't fully understand.
RELATED: The Road Ahead for Tiger Woods' Wife >>
As the friend of a woman going through the shame, hurt and humiliation of adultery, you may feel like your hands are tied. To some extent, this is true, but there are still a few important things you can do for her:
Be there. Don't underestimate the power of your presence. "Be prepared to listen," says Fulbright. Just as when someone dies, there are never any "right words" to say. But your friend will feel comfort just seeing that there is someone there for her who cares.
Suggest that she stop snooping. Your friend or relative may have discovered an affair or confirmed her suspicions of one by looking through text messages (like Elin), emails or receipts. Though it can be tempting to chase down the paper trail, remind your friend that this ultimately won't lead to the resolution she wants. "A better use of your friend's time is to explore what's going on in the relationship that would make cheating a desirable option," Fulbright says.
Pre-empt a confrontation. In the anger of the moment, the other woman (OW) is a target for feelings of hurt and rage. And although the OW definitely has some responsibility for the situation, suggest to your friend that confronting her won't bring any sort of closure. If she has kids, remind her that they are the priority. "Remind her that the affair is a symptom of a problem in the relationship and/or with the individual," says Fulbright.
Don't let her compare herself to the OW. Infidelity makes women scrutinize themselves and it's easy to go down the rabbit hole here. When your friend starts saying things like, "He never loved me," or "She must be so much prettier than me," tell her that this is often not the case. People cheat for a variety of reasons, but rarely is it to find someone better looking. (After all, if it could happen to Elizabeth Hurley...)
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Allow her to react in her own way. Is your sister ripping up wedding pictures? Is your mom cracking jokes while her world crumbles around her? There is no "right" way to deal. Short of hurting or endangering herself or someone else (i.e.; taking a nine-iron to his SUV—or his head), let her do what she needs to do.
Refrain from playing psychologist. While it might seem obvious to you why your friend's relationship is on the rocks, now is not the time to offer your theories (even though you are just positive that her husband is a sex addict or that he was on a power/ego trip like Woods). Instead, direct her to the care of a good therapist. "Look into counseling, therapy and other support services that she can rely on," says Fulbright.
Give her sanctuary. Whether it's a mansion in Sweden or a fold-out couch in your living room, provide your friend or relative with a place where she can be by herself (or with her kids) and take the time she needs to plot her next move. Even if she chooses to stay in her home, let her know she has options.
And remember, as the friend or relative of a woman betrayed, you can share your own stories and lessons learned, but at the end of the day, the decision to stay or to go rests on her shoulders.
Ronnie Koenig writes about sex and relationships for Penthouse, Redbook, Self and other national magazines, and is the former editor-in-chief of Playgirl. Visit her online at RonnieKoenig.com.
Share your thoughts on this article in the comments below.
"The best thing you can do is be an emotional support," says Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D., author of The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking.
Although it's tempting to tell your friend what to do, you should only offer your opinion if she asks for it. Make sure your advice is coming from a place of friendship and is not colored by your own bad experiences. It can be tempting to lump all men together, but remember, your friend or relative's situation is complicated, and most likely different from your own in ways you can't fully understand.
RELATED: The Road Ahead for Tiger Woods' Wife >>
As the friend of a woman going through the shame, hurt and humiliation of adultery, you may feel like your hands are tied. To some extent, this is true, but there are still a few important things you can do for her:
Be there. Don't underestimate the power of your presence. "Be prepared to listen," says Fulbright. Just as when someone dies, there are never any "right words" to say. But your friend will feel comfort just seeing that there is someone there for her who cares.
Suggest that she stop snooping. Your friend or relative may have discovered an affair or confirmed her suspicions of one by looking through text messages (like Elin), emails or receipts. Though it can be tempting to chase down the paper trail, remind your friend that this ultimately won't lead to the resolution she wants. "A better use of your friend's time is to explore what's going on in the relationship that would make cheating a desirable option," Fulbright says.
Pre-empt a confrontation. In the anger of the moment, the other woman (OW) is a target for feelings of hurt and rage. And although the OW definitely has some responsibility for the situation, suggest to your friend that confronting her won't bring any sort of closure. If she has kids, remind her that they are the priority. "Remind her that the affair is a symptom of a problem in the relationship and/or with the individual," says Fulbright.
Don't let her compare herself to the OW. Infidelity makes women scrutinize themselves and it's easy to go down the rabbit hole here. When your friend starts saying things like, "He never loved me," or "She must be so much prettier than me," tell her that this is often not the case. People cheat for a variety of reasons, but rarely is it to find someone better looking. (After all, if it could happen to Elizabeth Hurley...)
GALLERY: Complicated Celeb Relationships >>
Allow her to react in her own way. Is your sister ripping up wedding pictures? Is your mom cracking jokes while her world crumbles around her? There is no "right" way to deal. Short of hurting or endangering herself or someone else (i.e.; taking a nine-iron to his SUV—or his head), let her do what she needs to do.
Refrain from playing psychologist. While it might seem obvious to you why your friend's relationship is on the rocks, now is not the time to offer your theories (even though you are just positive that her husband is a sex addict or that he was on a power/ego trip like Woods). Instead, direct her to the care of a good therapist. "Look into counseling, therapy and other support services that she can rely on," says Fulbright.
Give her sanctuary. Whether it's a mansion in Sweden or a fold-out couch in your living room, provide your friend or relative with a place where she can be by herself (or with her kids) and take the time she needs to plot her next move. Even if she chooses to stay in her home, let her know she has options.
And remember, as the friend or relative of a woman betrayed, you can share your own stories and lessons learned, but at the end of the day, the decision to stay or to go rests on her shoulders.
Ronnie Koenig writes about sex and relationships for Penthouse, Redbook, Self and other national magazines, and is the former editor-in-chief of Playgirl. Visit her online at RonnieKoenig.com.
Share your thoughts on this article in the comments below.
