Looking to lose weight but don’t have the time or money for gastric bypass? You’re in luck: The "Chugay Tongue Patch" is a postage stamp-sized piece of mesh that Dr. Nikolas Chugay can surgically attach to your tongue with the goal of making eating painful.
So far, 10 people have gotten the patch, which over the course of a month somehow makes it hurt too much to eat solid food. The result: A forced liquid diet (drinking doesn’t hurt)…and rapid weight loss. (15 - 30 pounds in the first month, Chugay reports.) The patch is reversible, so you can have it sewn in right after Thanksgiving, starve your way through December and get it removed just before Christmas dinner hits the table.
But you don’t need to travel to Southern California and have painful mesh sewn onto your tongue. I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a few equally effective, do-it-at-home methods of discouraging eating:
1) Go to your local pizza joint. Order ‘za of your choice. When the waitress brings it over, knock her down before she even has time to set the pie on your table and immediately chomp down on the hot pizza. Allow the bubbling cheese and sauce to scald the roof of your mouth. Result: 3 pounds in a week
2) Road trip to your nearest college town. Show up at the dirtiest tattoo salon you can find. Request a tongue piercing. Let a man with ear plugs and a bifurcated tongue drive a metal rod through your tongue. Result: 6 pounds in a week.
3) Invite your boyfriend over for a beautiful Fall walk to admire the changing leaves. Return home and slip into flannel PJs. Bring skim milk to a boil on the stovetop. Stir in semi sweet chocolate chips. Pour 210 degree liquid chocolate into a large mug. Laugh as your boyfriend blows on his cocoa in an effort to cool it off and, instead, chug your scalding cocoa. Result: 4 pounds in a week.
4) Repeat Option 3, but instead of pouring cocoa into a mug, simply quaff the molten liquid directly from the searing hot pan. Result: 8 pounds in a week and a quick overnight ER trip. Bonus: Hospital food tastes horrible, so you may lose even more!
5) Go to Costco and purchase a bushel of pineapples, a sack of grapefruits and 24-can pack of canned tomatoes. In your kitchen, peel and core all pineapples, peel and section the grapefruits and open the tomato cans. Begin eating, rotating between these three highly acidic foods once an hour. Attempt to get through the entire spread in three days. For extra weight loss assurance, open mouth and pour kosher salt directly on cancer sores. Result: 3 pounds in a week.